Profile

Wow what a few months!  

We spent much of January and February getting our profile finished. The profile is as our SW 'M' said to us - pretty much the only thing we have control over. Other than being in control over how quickly you get paperwork filled out, and the hundreds of things you need copied etc...this is it. Being someone who has been in PR for 15 years, this book feels like marketing material, and I suppose in a weird way it is. Its what will tell an expecting mother all about you and your family. This book will be shown to e-parents (expecting parents) when your general profile fits what we and they are looking for. 

Each agency does it differently, some give you a structured format and others just tell you to do an 8x11 book, which is what our two agencies had said. They give you a list of things to include - about you as a couple, about each of you individually, about any children you have, pets, home, neighborhood, town, extended family and friends. So its pretty much a resume of your whole life!

Its not as much detail that the SW includes in the HUGE home study document, but its still pretty extensive. It was ALOT of work, but also tons of fun and really interesting to put our entire life down in 20 pages of words and photos.
Of course I dont know that we needed to be as detailed as we were, but seriously if this is the only thing that is going to determine us getting a baby, then you better believe we went through it with a fine tooth comb. Control issues aside, this was fun, creative and of course digital scrapbooking was involved, yay!!! It looks amazing if we dont say so ourselves. I would give me my baby and honestly would want to be adopted by us! Our 9 year old had a hand in editing and was very pleased with the finished copy that arrived in our mail box - "Looks great Mom, I think they are going to love us!"

Our homestudy was completed and signed off the same week we had our profile books sent to our 2 agencies.

So....drum roll please.....after 6 months of mountains of paperwork, 5 visits with our social worker (all about 2-4 hours each), reading books and articles, working for hours and weeks on our profile, and of course dealing with fingerprint challenges....on March 15th we officially became a 'waiting' family with both of our agencies in Colorado and Connecticut!  Woooooooooooooo Hoooooooooooooooo!!!!!

So now what *twiddles thumbs*

hoops

hoops

New Year new page!

There is always another corner to turn in this world of 'trying to have another baby' and thankfully after the new year we turned a new one, and a good one. After feeling down in the dumps about possibly not being able to continue on our path to adoption because of my lack of fingerprints, our social worker "M" talked to us about why they do the fingerprints and what it means for federal, state and agencies. It really is a grey area and even if a state says you need them, you possibly dont. I think because the FBI has done other background checks on me, they are saying I am 'good to go' and have given me the thumbs up. If they were going to find something on me from my prints, there would also be red flags from my DOB and SS# background checks....which there werent.

With that news, I went online researching all states that accept home studies and let you adopt without fingerprints. Well turns out its not really the state, its how the agency perceives the grey area within that law. So after a few calls to other agencies we didnt go with back when we first picked an agency, (and we were reminded why we didnt go with them), M told us about two agencies she had talked to who agreed to work with us. One was in Florida (I dont think they need prints anway) and one in Colorado. What to do what to do... well what i normally do. RESEARCH! Google here we come :)

We spent a couple of weeks doing some research about the two agencies - online, twitter, chat rooms and reviews and came to the conclusion that they are both great. So we went with our initial gut and all three of us (our 9 yr old is very included in all of this at this point) was to go with Colorado. So we did it, we signed up with the agency, and near the end of January we sent in our application and fee!! This just feels right. We are so happy that we have a new direction. Thinking trees and mountains!

During that time I emailed our current agency in MO that due to them needing fingerprints to move forward we wouldnt be working with them anymore. I didnt say we were going somewhere else, I just said at this time we are reviewing out options - which was true. You would think I would hear something back from them, like good luck or whatever. But no. Nadda. Its been about 3 weeks since I emailed. I guess we are feeling that it just wasnt right for us. Moving on.... yippeee!

Different path....same goal. What the Fingerprint?

Happy New Year! Wow, its 2012!

I did it again....forgot about my blog. Well I didnt totally forget about it, I was trying to decide if anyone really cared (still trying to work out how to 'get out there' to see if people will or wont care) and I was also trying to decide if maybe I should start a new one as we have changed course in our journey. But one of my 'tweeps' pointed out that my IF journey is just as much a part of my adoption journey...it all connects and will lead to our baby :) So i am staying put, but want to have more fun this time. Change it up, add pics and hopefully share some of the things we are learning on this new part of our journey.

Chapter 2 - Adoption

Last spring (May 2011) we ended our journey with fertility treatments, and were at a crossroads in which options to pick next...we knew we wanted to expand our family, but how would we do it, surrogacy or adoption? We had been so blessed with an offer from a friend to be a surrogate for us, and we talked with her and her husband in great depth about this possibility. They are done having children (they have two beautiful kids) but I still felt like I could never thank them enough, also I wouldnt be able to forgive myself if anything happened to her (things happen, especially as we arent getting any younger!) and at the end of the day, its still not a guarantee to end with a baby. Also I was shocked at the sticker price - yep sorry, but at this point, our baby is going to cost us big bucks, lets be frank and open about that one!

Well standing at these crossroads, the choice suddenly became pretty easy....adoption was definitely the way we wanted to expand our family. We spent the summer researching adoption and different agencies (we live in an agency state, so we cant use a facilitator or lawyer), and came up with five - mixture of local and national - agencies.

In September 2011 we signed on with a national adopton agency (American Adoptions in MO). We also had to pick an agency here in our state to do our home study. We were assigned a social worker "M" and she told us the process and got us going. We spent October getting paper work together for both for "AA" and "M" and also met with her a couple of times; both for a couple of hours to interview us about our relationship, our parenting opinions and methods, our backgrounds - childhood, extended family, interests and hobbies and a bunch of other stuff. We were cruising along! The first thing we had taken care of was getting our fingerprint done at our local police station. Our HS agency (here in state) sent us cards which we had to take and use for the prints. Then send back to them and they would send with a cover letter to the FBI for background checks. They also use SS# and DOB (date of birth) to conduct background checks, but we came to find out later the fingerprints (which arent actually needed by all states) are to check on child abuse background...with the Adam Walsh Act (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adam_Walsh_Child_Protection_and_Safety_Act)

First of all the fingerprints (which we sent priority mail) got lost, but then the day we went to get a 2nd set done, they showed up at the agency - 4 weeks later! So we figured we would keep our 2nd set for our baby book, haha! A couple of weeks later we heard that the FBI had rejected my prints and needed another set. I sent off the second set of my prints. DH's apparently were fine and in the system, and we hoped mine would get back in the queue along with his.

A couple of weeks later (this is now November) we got a call from our local agency saying they were rejected again! WTF?! So this time I was instructed to go (an hour away) to our state police and do digital prints. The machine kepr rejecting them, but he didnt give up until each finger and all sets of fingers were accepted by the machine. And those were sent off.

We were at this time working on some paperwork for our national agency AA, and were getting down to what they call the APQ - adoptive parent questionnaire. This is where you state what kind of things you are accepting or not accepting of (drugs, medical background etc etc). We were working well with them and excited to then begin our profile. But its weird, now looking back, I kept dragging my feet. Its hard to write about yourself! (well unless its in coversational tone on a blog, ha ha!). But I guess that should have told me something...maybe my gut was in-the-know somehow. Yes, you can guess where I am going with this.

It was December and we were in full holiday spirit. It was actually 2 weeks before Christmas and we got a call......

The FBI rejected my prints again! WHAT?! how is that possible?

So this time (I had to wait for the rejected cards to come back to me so I could take them with me), I had to plan ahead. It was now the week before Christmas and not like I didnt have anything else to do! I trudged (an hour away) to go visit my new friends at the state police department. (yes I had to actually call ahead and talk to certain people who were setting me up with other certain people). They used special lotion, did different techniques this time with ink. My friend 'J' has a background in criminal prints and knows exactly what to do and assured me that if he couldnt get them done, then noone could! So we did 4 cards and off I went. They said they would get a rushed response from the FBI to let me know if they were good to be accepted back into the system, and would also probably rush the results as I had been in queue for so long and I think DH was already done and approved! Let me just add that our regular backgrounds done with SS# and DOB were already back and clear.


So the next day... got a call.... Rejected again. This time a letter from the FBI stating "These fingerprints are not readable by any currect technology"....what?! seriously?! haha, now friends are joking I can become an undercover agent of famous cat burgalar! ha ha. UGH, I just want to be able to adopt a baby! Really is this what is going to prevent this from happening?

The holidays came and went. They were lots of fun. But always in the back of my mind was this looming. Our agency "AA" told us that they couldnt work with us without prints and a result and that we wouldnt be able to adopt from anywhere (except maybe one state) without them. I was really down about it. It was hear wrenching. People are having kids and leaving them places, and I cant take them into my house and have proven that I am worthy parent - by our agency here giving us thumbs up in every other area.

After the holidays I outreached to "M" our social worker, and she assured us we would still be able to adopt. The cloud lifted a little.

I'm Back!!! reflection and reaction

Wow I have just signed into my blog for the first time in 4 months and read the last post. Goodness, I didnt know that we had really moved that far along on our journey into the next chapter, but we really have.

Time to update, reflect and react...

So first let me say that we have really sunk ourselves into our adoption journey and I am so happy. I really didnt ever think that I would truly let go of that feeling of wanting my 'own' baby...one that was made up of dna from myself and DH...but I can honestly say I have. We have been blessed with a biological child, and I also know that half my family is not blood related and there are some non-blood relatives I am closer to than those of same blood. We have a family made up of many different ways and so for along time the idea of having a child not from my own uterus or even my own eggs was something I knew we would probably end up doing. But the constant trying and desire for my own baby wasnt really really about that, it wasnt about me HAVING to have a baby born from my own eggs necessarily....it was about my body not doing what it was supposed to; to bear children.

I wasnt a little girl who sat around thinking about a big white dress and prince charming (although I did end up with a fairtale wedding and an amazing husband), but when I was a teen, I wanted a baby. Yep, lucky for my mother I didnt follow through with that dream then, although I am sure if you asked her when I was 30 and getting married, she probably would have said 'just get pregnant, forget the wedding at this point' (dh and I were together 8 years before he proposed!). I knew from a young age that I wanted a family, a bunch of kids running around. Well, I wanted two, but that changed a few years ago to 3 or 4... as you always want what you dont have!
You dont grow up being told that it will be hard to get pregnant, and if I go by the fact that I got pg after a month of coming off the pill right after our wedding, I would still have a hard time believing that if someone had said it to my face. But the reality set in and it was hard. Very hard. It was hard to see that what had been so easy when I was 30 was now not the case. It was a struggle both physically and probably more so, mentally. It wasnt doing what it was supposed to do, what I had always thought it could do and I had SEEN it do! why?

They say things happen for a reason, and I am a huge proponent of that saying. But have you really thought about whether you just say it and believe it, or really believe it. When you are tested beyond any control that saying can have a whole new meaning. 

To be continued....

The OCDs of the IFTs

Ok, hands up.How many of you have checked your underwear when you werent even having your period?!

Well my hand is raised and I know there must be others out there too. I know, weird... but seriously if we arent checking for CM we are checking for AF.

Oh yeah and scratch what I said in my last post about not counting. I am STILL FUCKING COUNTING!

Yes, last week I was getting crampy and then a bit nauseous and then looked at the calendar. The problem was I am now out of the habit of writing a #1 on the first day of AF on my calendar, so my 'time off' was geting the better of me and now I didnt know what day I was. I remember being the pool and telling my friend that I was ending my pathetic (no lining induced) period, so I could swim again - ok so another OCD thing I have aquired from this god-awful experience is that I am now somehow opposed to using tampons. Not that I need them, well maybe for AF after IVF... but otherwise a pany liner will suffice for a day or two. My therapist once told me that it was like I had some sort of PTSD (post traumatic stress) after experiencing placenta left behind (thats another story) and a miscarriage of a blighted ovum (also worthy of its own entry.

While good for my soul, the past two months of being off the IF loopy Train, has now messed me up when my mind has done the awful thing and jumped on the OCD train of Infertility. I mean I dont think before I started TTC 7 years ago that I counted numbers of days in my head (every day, as who the hell knows if another day crept in there) and also checked my undies for anything that might look, er... different? did I? no, I didnt! ...or maybe hoping that nothing is there as maybe, just maybe, I am PREGNANT?! ha ha... doesnt hurt to atleast look and dream, right?

Well I got AF last week, although it was more pathetic than ever. And now, I am  few days of feeling slightly 'off' and here we go again. The old mind tricks. "what if I am pregnant and just had my period? that happens to people all the time, could happen to me, right?!"

ha haahaha hahahah.........................
sorry, I just fell off my chair.

Well I dont know and I am not going to give into the desire to get into my car, drive to CVS, buy a HPK and then pee, wait three agnozing minutes to find out I am not. I mean, waste of money and time.

Ugh, its like when I leave the house and have to check the door again, or (we have all done this one), run back in to make sure the - (fill in the blank) _______________ is off. No I am not making fun of people with OCD. I was actually diagnosed with it back in the 90s, the same time I was diagnosed with panic disorder, and shortly after being diagnosed with MS (1997, good times...) all because a lack of control. NO, really?

I am not caving into the desire to do all of the above. Just not gonna do it. Not gonna do it. I am NOT pregnant. Nor can I get Pregnancy. Why is my mind doing this?

My therapist told me along time ago that part of my OCD tendancies where to dwell on something, because it made me feel good. What? seriously? this makes me feel good?

No, what she meant was that I am so used to feeling a certain way about something that I dont know how to feel any other way, so therefore, the old way, well... feels right, feels good. So the same goes with my IF tendancies to feel 'stuck' or trapped, or whatever you want to call this sense to repeat my behaviour (hello, IVF 6 times), is that its all I am used to, all I can deal with. The idea of succeeding and moving on is mostly non existant. I did feel a sense of elation when we decided to move onto adoption and then spent so much time doing other things I didht have time to dwell on what I was so used to dwelling on, the incompentence of my ovaries and uterus. But here I am. After our 'break; and a little time to myself and BAM, its back.

Tim to pick a new hobby.

coming unstuck

Wow, its been two months since I last wrote anything on here, and how things change in two months.
Its not easy to take a break from IF, unless you are forced to...and that we were.

Shortly after my last post we went on a cruise with family and friends. It was SO needed and was the perfect trip for that specific timing. It was so gorgeous to be sitting on the deck of our room and not to see anything but blue, but also to be able to go dancing, gambling, eating and drinking, all day and night...was quite the distraction. We snorkled with turtles, ds got to sail a catamaran (he also won $50 at bingo!), and I got to spend time with my sister who I miss so much. After being home for a week I was given the most amazing (and surprising) 40th birthday ever by my sweet dh... He kicked me out the morning of my bday for lunch, wine tasting and spa day with some close girlfriends, only to return home and see my family and closest friends (from coast to coast) all standing in my back yard. This is what life is about! It was magical!

The past seven years didnt come into my mind that entire two weeks. It was so refreshing! We then enjoyed some more family time with my ILs and have been enjoying our beach and pool club. I picked up a tennis raquet for the first time in ages and didnt do too badly. I have been reading a book to assist me in starting my business plan for a business which I dream about, but I have been stuck and not able to move forward with it.

I guess my mind has been reset; I have become unstuck.

I cant believe it, i never thought it would be. Its been two months of emerging myself in family, friends and life, without any dr appointments, needles, pills (well I am still taking vitamin d and need to start a multivitamin), but its been so nice to have a true break. I have realized that those times inbetween cycles when we said 'we are taking a break' werent really that. The stress was still there, I still counted days in my head when we were having sex, and felt heartbroken when Flo showed up. These are hard habits to break.

I have had my period I think three times since our last cycle and can honestly tell you I dont know what day I am on today. Yep, for the first time in all these years I am not counting days.

Now, dont get me wrong. My desire to expand our family has not changed. I am just as motivated, if not more to complete our family...but I think knowing that my body doesnt have to endure any more makes it less stressful. I have collected some info about some adoption agencies, but we havent called any of them or filled out paperwork. That is our project for next week (ds is going to his grandparents for 2 weeks and we will join him the 2nd week, so I am home alone for a week!). Its time to get cracking. I am happy to be back, but the focus of how we are getting there will shift.

xox

The break up. Its me, not you.

Right before our 6th and last cycle we had to have a full blood work up done, I think for insurance, but who knows. Either way, my nurse had called before we started and said that everything was fine, but that my Vitamin D was really low; I was really deficient. This wasn't surprising as most people are in the northern hemisphere. So I was taking it twice daily throughout the cycle and supposed to continue now. I suppose a good excuse not to lather the sunscreen? Well no, I need to protect my skin. But did hear that 'they' are saying now that you need a certain amount of time in the sun each day, without sun screen, so you can soak up the vitamin D. This is also necessary for me as I have MS, and many people with MS are now being tested and treated with Vitamin D supplements. So my nurse said that I was to take it through the cycle and keep taking it past the pg test and they would retest me in mid June. I kept thinking, oh I will do it when I go in for my ultrasound at 6-7 weeks, yay!

Well beta has been and gone. So when she called to give me the negative beta results I asked about the vitamin D testing and she said that I could get it done at my primary care and she would email me the paperwork. Don't worry, she was very sorry for our results and did sound genuinely upset for us (she and everyone else at our clinic is amazing, with great bedside manner and have seemed to want this for us as much as we have).
But even so, it was over.

So just like that, we were done. No hugs goodbye. Our RE did text and say we could call him to talk anytime, which was so sweet. But I did still feel like I was the recipient of a sneaky break up. I wasnt ready to say goodbye. I didn't see it coming and yet, it wasn't done in a nasty manner, just done. And now I couldn't go and say I wanted to come back, that I really did think it could work, that my crappy ovaries could pull out one more cycle and that maybe this would be the one. That we just had it in us for more. But did we? no. Nope, this was the end. They hadn't done anything to make this end, it was me. All me and my crappy eggs and lining. All my fault that we wouldn't see each other any more, and that I wouldn't go in and get a welcoming 'hi' from all who were sitting behind the front desk, as they knew me so well. No, I wouldn't get that anymoe. Someone else would come in and take over. She would become chatty with the girls taking the blood, would laugh with the lovely ladies in the other office when I went for ER and ET. Yep I would be a distant memory, like the girlfriend from years ago.

Just like that we were done, finit.




"We made a lot of progress, but it was time to let someone else pick up from where I left off." John Pavlik.

the one day wait

So here it is, finally...beta day! The final day of the 2ww, the longest day of them all. Sometimes its not a full day, but that you will never know until the dreaded call.

This morning I reluctantly went in for b/w. The woman taking my blood J said "so its the big day huh? did you cheat?" "yep" I replied. "was it good or bad?" she asked. Pretty much bad" i said. "well see how it goes" she said. Then we change the topic. I am sure she knew damn well that I was right in what I was thinking and believing to be the truth. But yes, I couldn't totally give up until I got the call with the results. And while part of me knew it hadn't worked, a small piece of me hoped so badly that it believed in miracles, that this worked and it would all be over and we would have our growing family just like that.

I went out to run errands late morning as they never call until the afternoon, so figured I needed to get some things done (aka waste some time). I was in the bank when my nurse called around noon (earliest ever!) but couldnt get to it so put her to VM (stupid!, but seriously was in the middle of something with the banker and didn't want to get back in line), but she didn't leave a message.
Not sure who I was feeling more sorry for today, me for hearing the news for the 6th time, or my nurse for having to deliver it! So I got McDonalds on the way home (bad I know, but needed some comfort food and my diet will start tomorrow), and I called when I got home, as service isn't always great near here. and of course she must have been at lunch, so I waited. I finally talked with her around 3pm. As expected BFN.

I am doing ok. I think that with all the POASing I have had time to digest. I really had mourned my journey a lot after the last cycle and really had started coming to terms with it being over (well until we realized we had to do something with another frosty). I think that I had hopes for that one being there for a reason and being 'the one' and also that our fresh single embaby made it to d5t was shocking and gave me some hope. But half of me thought it wouldn't work. isn't that what we all do automatically when we have invested so much of our being into something, especially as potentially emotionally rocky as this!

Either way, its still hard to go through this all over again. Its not just about this not working this time, its about the 7 yrs we have had to get here. Its about hearing this news over and over again. Its about how exhausted I am. I am going to be 40 in a month. I don't have a problem with being that age at all, except that I spent my entire 30s trying to build our family. I feel defeated as I am sure you all know just by the sheer inability to do something that is supposed to be so natural, and then not to be able to do it with the most advanced science available! We have a plan B, not that it will be cheap, and I know our family will grow and I am excited. I feel blessed with my life at this point, and know that I will be blessed again. I just need to get my energy up for that new chapter.

I reflected back to the sermon in church this past sunday which was about life and death and how mourning has no schedule...it happens when you are ready, or sometimes when you least expect it. At first I thought I was going to cry, and then I nearly burst out laughing! which wouldnt have been appropriate in church, right?

I am sure my wounds will heal, but I will always carry IF memories and scars with me even when we have created the family that we see in our future. I believe that all of us who have gone down this road will. Those scars are characted building! There are life lessons to be learned from this hellish train ride, but its ok to cry and scream about it at any time, even if your family is already here. We have the right to mourn at any time, there is no schedule.

I came home from taking ds to his swimming class and was greeted at the door with a "hi, how are you?! so?!" and a look of excitement and hope. I shook my head and dh bowed his. He gave me a hug and I poured myself a glass of wine.

Life will go on.

"Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to yourself, the most comforting words of all; this, too, shall pass." Ann Landers

Dumpster Diving!

(I wrote this last night and forgot to post...)

Hands up if you have ever gone back into the trash for a hpt hours after you peed on it?

Well I did it today. No I am not proud and not sure why or what I was thinking would be different. I mean it was definitely a bfn when I peed on it at 8am. But I suddenly had this desire to look at it again. Because maybe it had changed late?! and when I looked I thought I saw something, a really faint, broken, skinny line. Could it be? omg omg omg. I only had one stick left that I was planning on using tomorrow morning before beta, but I couldnt let this go and I had to go to the store anyway, so decided to buy another pack (sucker!). I did a bunch of errands and had waited as long as I could without peeing, so I really needed to go. I raced home, ran in the house, literally started opening the box while I was running upstairs (ignoring the weird look I got from dh and ds who were on the couch watching a game, I didnt care, my life was about to change forever!), and then held it some more while I took off the cap and got ready. ahhhhhhh, relief. I didnt wait, I watched. I watched for 5 minutes. Had a cry and thew the stick in the trash can. 


Really? Why did I see something on that earlier? could they both be wrong? I did buy a different brand. Maybe that isnt as sensitive? but it says 'even more sensitive' on the box! Maybe I didnt see anything on the other one. So I found that old stick from this mornig (yes I went dumpster diving twice today) and it was still there, really faint, but there. Then I googled and this is what I found - http://www.peeonastick.com/hptfaq.html#7
Its an evaporation line. Fan-friggin-tastic!
UGH. I was all fine to be done and know it was over, and then got my hopes up again. AARRHH this sucks, those sticks mess with your head!

I cant tell you how much money and time I have spent on pee-sticks. Some to see if I was about to ovulate and others were to see if I had infact beat the odds and got pregnant. I should have taken out stock in First Response or ClearBlue. It took me a couple of years into the ovulation sticks to realize they sold them in bulk at Costco, nice! I did them during four rounds of IUIs in 2005 and 2006, then after a failed pg in 2007.
I didnt really need them, I knew exactly when I was ovulating. But as I wasnt getting pregnant, maybe I didnt really know when the eggie was coming and still bought them anyway. 100s of dollars later, I still have a pack of half used ones in my cupboard from last year when we took a break from IVF to try naturally again. Not sure why I bought them or why I still have them, but they will become part of the decluttering of IF parafanalia that wll ensue tomorrow after I hear my beta results.

I also didnt know until I joined a fertility forum last year that you could buy pg tests online in bulk. Actually until I joined the forum it didnt dawn on me to 'cheat' before my beta on my previous 3 cycles. I had found a need to buy them on other oaccasions, when I could have sworn I was pg. but it proved nothing and Aunty Flo would always show up.  cycle 4 and 5 I only did it on the day of beta and I have to say it really helped soften the blow. It was still crappy to hear, as there was part of me that knew those sticks can be wrong, but it did dampen the sting slightly.
cyle 6 - my last (this one) I became a member of the POAS club. Not that it made it more fun, as they have all been bfn, it just made me realize sooner than tomorrow that it was over and to give up. The fall will not be as hard this time.

They are mean things, those pee sticks.
Sure they bring many people much joy. Hey, I had one turn positive in 2001 when we found out we were pg with ds. That seems so foreign now. I dont know that I know what that feels like. OMG, I might actually still have the stick, I should go look for it. Ok, that would be seriously insane, but I think it went into a memory box, which honestly I havent looked at since I was pg with him. Haha, that would be funny (nutcase!). Ok, I will go looking tomorrow. Hey maybe if I find it and it still says 'prenant' (yes I had to have one that said it!), I can look at that until my nurse calls to burst my bubble!

One time I waited to pee all afternoon, to really brew up strong urine (as you know that would make me pg, right?) and as I was about to pee on it, I dropped it in the toilet! OMG, are you f;ing kidding. Why didnt you grab another one you say? because it was the only one I had :)

I am sure you have had your own funny pee-stick stories, I would love to hear them!

off to pee on another stick. ggrrrr. Good night!

think its over

BFN yesterday and today. Today should have been my beta, but I changed it due to it being a weekend and having to drive 2 hours round trip with ds (dh went to work early this am) just for b/w. Its 14dpo and 9dp5dt. So I am thinking its over.

a bfn for me and the Princess?

I realized that it wouldnt give me a BFP out of the gate, so I am ok with the fact that it hasnt shown up yet.
So I am irritated today by INTOUCH Weekly Magazine, random I know! They have on their most recent front page, a picture of the newly wed William and Kate and the headline reads "Will & Kate's Baby Heartbreak" subtitle says "Royal doctor confirms: she cant get pregnant."

So I ofcourse picked it up as I was intrigued. Not only is a 'princesses job to produce a blood heir' but as I read the article, I realized that  'William's step mother Camilla, has been telling a friend that "health complications from Kate's adolescence raised red flags that might have an impact on her ability to conceive."

WHAT? REALLY? you are going to tell the world she is infertile when she hasnt even probably started trying. I mean, the word is thrown around so lightly by people who dont get it. Am I the only one is annoyed by this? Of course I know alot more than the average person who hasnt been through this, but many people dont get the ins and outs of what has an effect and what doesnt. She could have never had any problems and found out she couldnt get pregnant. I just feel sorry for her. If its not going to be stressful enough to get pregnant to produce an 'heir' but now shes got the world thinking she cant do it anyway. I hope someone gives her some good advice if she has to go down this road, which I hope she doesnt. Wouldnt wish it upon anyone.

theres my rant. Thank you!

The article isnt online, I dont know if its from their May 30 issue, which obviously comes out in print a week early. I will keep looking.

“The management of fertility is one of the most important functions of adulthood.” Germaine Greer

POAS update

Wednesday I got some sticks and did it! it was a BFN :( but only 5dp5dt, so still early).
Thursday am - 6dp5dt - BFN. But I am wondering if you can call it a day past if its in the am and my ET was at 1pm?
So now its Friday - 7dp5dt and I am waiting for the stick to change. Well there is a horizontal line, but I will wait the 3 minutes to see if the other vertical line appears.

three minutes later....

BFN. Shit!

2ww. Let the POASing begin!

I would not be lying if I said I just want this to be over. This will be my last monitored 2ww and I am thrilled. I know I should be more upbeat about it and hopeful that this time will work, but lets be honest people. Maybe 6th time will be the charm? hmmm...only time will tell. I have decided that I will be having a POAS-a-thon. and I will not be telling my husband as he will not approve! But I will tell my 'girls' as they are waiting for it :) So for my social media world friends...lets get this party started! Ok, maybe tomorrow, I dont have any sticks yet!

Call from the lab...heart dropped....and now its back up!

Friday - rollercoaster!

This moring I had a breakfast meeting and had my phone on mute. So imagine my horror when I saw a voice mail from the RE's office waiting for me, and they had said they would only call if the fresh didn't make it to day 5, and frostie didn't make it through thaw. My heart dropped. But, The message was from the lab director who sounded so excited and wanted me to know that our one egg which fertilized, made it to a 5 day blast. Holy shit!!

So after a quick lunch, shoving a prometrium tablet up my hoo ha in a pizza place bathroom, and popping a valium I was ready for my 5 day transfer! It was different than others. This was truly the last time I would grow through this. Even though this is obviously a big deal, it was the most matter-of-fact relaxed procedure I have had over the past 7 years. dh couldnt come, a friend brought me, but I was alone afterwards and just read a magazine. Then when my time was up, threw on my clothes, and now I am home on the couch watching tv and just trying to relax!

oh and I am PUPO with twins!!!

tomorrow will I be PUPO???

This week has actually flown by. I thought it was going to go slowly, but have managed to stay busy as always, and now its the eve of my day 5 transfer... eeeee!

I have no idea what is waiting for me tomorrow morning. I wont know if the fresh embryo made it until they do it in the morning. They will only call if neither of them make it, but frostie will be fine, I know it!

Had so much bloat this week, but operation Gatorade has been underway and I have managed to lose my weight gain from this cycle! I have hardly pooped, but did today, and felt like a new woman. Then I realized my tongue and throat are sore, and hubby thinks I have thrush, sexy! I will ask them tomorrow if they can give me something for it. Never a dull moment!

nighty night. Grow embaby grow, mamas coming to get you tomorrow!