I'm Back!!! reflection and reaction

Wow I have just signed into my blog for the first time in 4 months and read the last post. Goodness, I didnt know that we had really moved that far along on our journey into the next chapter, but we really have.

Time to update, reflect and react...

So first let me say that we have really sunk ourselves into our adoption journey and I am so happy. I really didnt ever think that I would truly let go of that feeling of wanting my 'own' baby...one that was made up of dna from myself and DH...but I can honestly say I have. We have been blessed with a biological child, and I also know that half my family is not blood related and there are some non-blood relatives I am closer to than those of same blood. We have a family made up of many different ways and so for along time the idea of having a child not from my own uterus or even my own eggs was something I knew we would probably end up doing. But the constant trying and desire for my own baby wasnt really really about that, it wasnt about me HAVING to have a baby born from my own eggs necessarily....it was about my body not doing what it was supposed to; to bear children.

I wasnt a little girl who sat around thinking about a big white dress and prince charming (although I did end up with a fairtale wedding and an amazing husband), but when I was a teen, I wanted a baby. Yep, lucky for my mother I didnt follow through with that dream then, although I am sure if you asked her when I was 30 and getting married, she probably would have said 'just get pregnant, forget the wedding at this point' (dh and I were together 8 years before he proposed!). I knew from a young age that I wanted a family, a bunch of kids running around. Well, I wanted two, but that changed a few years ago to 3 or 4... as you always want what you dont have!
You dont grow up being told that it will be hard to get pregnant, and if I go by the fact that I got pg after a month of coming off the pill right after our wedding, I would still have a hard time believing that if someone had said it to my face. But the reality set in and it was hard. Very hard. It was hard to see that what had been so easy when I was 30 was now not the case. It was a struggle both physically and probably more so, mentally. It wasnt doing what it was supposed to do, what I had always thought it could do and I had SEEN it do! why?

They say things happen for a reason, and I am a huge proponent of that saying. But have you really thought about whether you just say it and believe it, or really believe it. When you are tested beyond any control that saying can have a whole new meaning. 

To be continued....

The OCDs of the IFTs

Ok, hands up.How many of you have checked your underwear when you werent even having your period?!

Well my hand is raised and I know there must be others out there too. I know, weird... but seriously if we arent checking for CM we are checking for AF.

Oh yeah and scratch what I said in my last post about not counting. I am STILL FUCKING COUNTING!

Yes, last week I was getting crampy and then a bit nauseous and then looked at the calendar. The problem was I am now out of the habit of writing a #1 on the first day of AF on my calendar, so my 'time off' was geting the better of me and now I didnt know what day I was. I remember being the pool and telling my friend that I was ending my pathetic (no lining induced) period, so I could swim again - ok so another OCD thing I have aquired from this god-awful experience is that I am now somehow opposed to using tampons. Not that I need them, well maybe for AF after IVF... but otherwise a pany liner will suffice for a day or two. My therapist once told me that it was like I had some sort of PTSD (post traumatic stress) after experiencing placenta left behind (thats another story) and a miscarriage of a blighted ovum (also worthy of its own entry.

While good for my soul, the past two months of being off the IF loopy Train, has now messed me up when my mind has done the awful thing and jumped on the OCD train of Infertility. I mean I dont think before I started TTC 7 years ago that I counted numbers of days in my head (every day, as who the hell knows if another day crept in there) and also checked my undies for anything that might look, er... different? did I? no, I didnt! ...or maybe hoping that nothing is there as maybe, just maybe, I am PREGNANT?! ha ha... doesnt hurt to atleast look and dream, right?

Well I got AF last week, although it was more pathetic than ever. And now, I am  few days of feeling slightly 'off' and here we go again. The old mind tricks. "what if I am pregnant and just had my period? that happens to people all the time, could happen to me, right?!"

ha haahaha hahahah.........................
sorry, I just fell off my chair.

Well I dont know and I am not going to give into the desire to get into my car, drive to CVS, buy a HPK and then pee, wait three agnozing minutes to find out I am not. I mean, waste of money and time.

Ugh, its like when I leave the house and have to check the door again, or (we have all done this one), run back in to make sure the - (fill in the blank) _______________ is off. No I am not making fun of people with OCD. I was actually diagnosed with it back in the 90s, the same time I was diagnosed with panic disorder, and shortly after being diagnosed with MS (1997, good times...) all because a lack of control. NO, really?

I am not caving into the desire to do all of the above. Just not gonna do it. Not gonna do it. I am NOT pregnant. Nor can I get Pregnancy. Why is my mind doing this?

My therapist told me along time ago that part of my OCD tendancies where to dwell on something, because it made me feel good. What? seriously? this makes me feel good?

No, what she meant was that I am so used to feeling a certain way about something that I dont know how to feel any other way, so therefore, the old way, well... feels right, feels good. So the same goes with my IF tendancies to feel 'stuck' or trapped, or whatever you want to call this sense to repeat my behaviour (hello, IVF 6 times), is that its all I am used to, all I can deal with. The idea of succeeding and moving on is mostly non existant. I did feel a sense of elation when we decided to move onto adoption and then spent so much time doing other things I didht have time to dwell on what I was so used to dwelling on, the incompentence of my ovaries and uterus. But here I am. After our 'break; and a little time to myself and BAM, its back.

Tim to pick a new hobby.

coming unstuck

Wow, its been two months since I last wrote anything on here, and how things change in two months.
Its not easy to take a break from IF, unless you are forced to...and that we were.

Shortly after my last post we went on a cruise with family and friends. It was SO needed and was the perfect trip for that specific timing. It was so gorgeous to be sitting on the deck of our room and not to see anything but blue, but also to be able to go dancing, gambling, eating and drinking, all day and night...was quite the distraction. We snorkled with turtles, ds got to sail a catamaran (he also won $50 at bingo!), and I got to spend time with my sister who I miss so much. After being home for a week I was given the most amazing (and surprising) 40th birthday ever by my sweet dh... He kicked me out the morning of my bday for lunch, wine tasting and spa day with some close girlfriends, only to return home and see my family and closest friends (from coast to coast) all standing in my back yard. This is what life is about! It was magical!

The past seven years didnt come into my mind that entire two weeks. It was so refreshing! We then enjoyed some more family time with my ILs and have been enjoying our beach and pool club. I picked up a tennis raquet for the first time in ages and didnt do too badly. I have been reading a book to assist me in starting my business plan for a business which I dream about, but I have been stuck and not able to move forward with it.

I guess my mind has been reset; I have become unstuck.

I cant believe it, i never thought it would be. Its been two months of emerging myself in family, friends and life, without any dr appointments, needles, pills (well I am still taking vitamin d and need to start a multivitamin), but its been so nice to have a true break. I have realized that those times inbetween cycles when we said 'we are taking a break' werent really that. The stress was still there, I still counted days in my head when we were having sex, and felt heartbroken when Flo showed up. These are hard habits to break.

I have had my period I think three times since our last cycle and can honestly tell you I dont know what day I am on today. Yep, for the first time in all these years I am not counting days.

Now, dont get me wrong. My desire to expand our family has not changed. I am just as motivated, if not more to complete our family...but I think knowing that my body doesnt have to endure any more makes it less stressful. I have collected some info about some adoption agencies, but we havent called any of them or filled out paperwork. That is our project for next week (ds is going to his grandparents for 2 weeks and we will join him the 2nd week, so I am home alone for a week!). Its time to get cracking. I am happy to be back, but the focus of how we are getting there will shift.

xox

The break up. Its me, not you.

Right before our 6th and last cycle we had to have a full blood work up done, I think for insurance, but who knows. Either way, my nurse had called before we started and said that everything was fine, but that my Vitamin D was really low; I was really deficient. This wasn't surprising as most people are in the northern hemisphere. So I was taking it twice daily throughout the cycle and supposed to continue now. I suppose a good excuse not to lather the sunscreen? Well no, I need to protect my skin. But did hear that 'they' are saying now that you need a certain amount of time in the sun each day, without sun screen, so you can soak up the vitamin D. This is also necessary for me as I have MS, and many people with MS are now being tested and treated with Vitamin D supplements. So my nurse said that I was to take it through the cycle and keep taking it past the pg test and they would retest me in mid June. I kept thinking, oh I will do it when I go in for my ultrasound at 6-7 weeks, yay!

Well beta has been and gone. So when she called to give me the negative beta results I asked about the vitamin D testing and she said that I could get it done at my primary care and she would email me the paperwork. Don't worry, she was very sorry for our results and did sound genuinely upset for us (she and everyone else at our clinic is amazing, with great bedside manner and have seemed to want this for us as much as we have).
But even so, it was over.

So just like that, we were done. No hugs goodbye. Our RE did text and say we could call him to talk anytime, which was so sweet. But I did still feel like I was the recipient of a sneaky break up. I wasnt ready to say goodbye. I didn't see it coming and yet, it wasn't done in a nasty manner, just done. And now I couldn't go and say I wanted to come back, that I really did think it could work, that my crappy ovaries could pull out one more cycle and that maybe this would be the one. That we just had it in us for more. But did we? no. Nope, this was the end. They hadn't done anything to make this end, it was me. All me and my crappy eggs and lining. All my fault that we wouldn't see each other any more, and that I wouldn't go in and get a welcoming 'hi' from all who were sitting behind the front desk, as they knew me so well. No, I wouldn't get that anymoe. Someone else would come in and take over. She would become chatty with the girls taking the blood, would laugh with the lovely ladies in the other office when I went for ER and ET. Yep I would be a distant memory, like the girlfriend from years ago.

Just like that we were done, finit.




"We made a lot of progress, but it was time to let someone else pick up from where I left off." John Pavlik.

the one day wait

So here it is, finally...beta day! The final day of the 2ww, the longest day of them all. Sometimes its not a full day, but that you will never know until the dreaded call.

This morning I reluctantly went in for b/w. The woman taking my blood J said "so its the big day huh? did you cheat?" "yep" I replied. "was it good or bad?" she asked. Pretty much bad" i said. "well see how it goes" she said. Then we change the topic. I am sure she knew damn well that I was right in what I was thinking and believing to be the truth. But yes, I couldn't totally give up until I got the call with the results. And while part of me knew it hadn't worked, a small piece of me hoped so badly that it believed in miracles, that this worked and it would all be over and we would have our growing family just like that.

I went out to run errands late morning as they never call until the afternoon, so figured I needed to get some things done (aka waste some time). I was in the bank when my nurse called around noon (earliest ever!) but couldnt get to it so put her to VM (stupid!, but seriously was in the middle of something with the banker and didn't want to get back in line), but she didn't leave a message.
Not sure who I was feeling more sorry for today, me for hearing the news for the 6th time, or my nurse for having to deliver it! So I got McDonalds on the way home (bad I know, but needed some comfort food and my diet will start tomorrow), and I called when I got home, as service isn't always great near here. and of course she must have been at lunch, so I waited. I finally talked with her around 3pm. As expected BFN.

I am doing ok. I think that with all the POASing I have had time to digest. I really had mourned my journey a lot after the last cycle and really had started coming to terms with it being over (well until we realized we had to do something with another frosty). I think that I had hopes for that one being there for a reason and being 'the one' and also that our fresh single embaby made it to d5t was shocking and gave me some hope. But half of me thought it wouldn't work. isn't that what we all do automatically when we have invested so much of our being into something, especially as potentially emotionally rocky as this!

Either way, its still hard to go through this all over again. Its not just about this not working this time, its about the 7 yrs we have had to get here. Its about hearing this news over and over again. Its about how exhausted I am. I am going to be 40 in a month. I don't have a problem with being that age at all, except that I spent my entire 30s trying to build our family. I feel defeated as I am sure you all know just by the sheer inability to do something that is supposed to be so natural, and then not to be able to do it with the most advanced science available! We have a plan B, not that it will be cheap, and I know our family will grow and I am excited. I feel blessed with my life at this point, and know that I will be blessed again. I just need to get my energy up for that new chapter.

I reflected back to the sermon in church this past sunday which was about life and death and how mourning has no schedule...it happens when you are ready, or sometimes when you least expect it. At first I thought I was going to cry, and then I nearly burst out laughing! which wouldnt have been appropriate in church, right?

I am sure my wounds will heal, but I will always carry IF memories and scars with me even when we have created the family that we see in our future. I believe that all of us who have gone down this road will. Those scars are characted building! There are life lessons to be learned from this hellish train ride, but its ok to cry and scream about it at any time, even if your family is already here. We have the right to mourn at any time, there is no schedule.

I came home from taking ds to his swimming class and was greeted at the door with a "hi, how are you?! so?!" and a look of excitement and hope. I shook my head and dh bowed his. He gave me a hug and I poured myself a glass of wine.

Life will go on.

"Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to yourself, the most comforting words of all; this, too, shall pass." Ann Landers

Dumpster Diving!

(I wrote this last night and forgot to post...)

Hands up if you have ever gone back into the trash for a hpt hours after you peed on it?

Well I did it today. No I am not proud and not sure why or what I was thinking would be different. I mean it was definitely a bfn when I peed on it at 8am. But I suddenly had this desire to look at it again. Because maybe it had changed late?! and when I looked I thought I saw something, a really faint, broken, skinny line. Could it be? omg omg omg. I only had one stick left that I was planning on using tomorrow morning before beta, but I couldnt let this go and I had to go to the store anyway, so decided to buy another pack (sucker!). I did a bunch of errands and had waited as long as I could without peeing, so I really needed to go. I raced home, ran in the house, literally started opening the box while I was running upstairs (ignoring the weird look I got from dh and ds who were on the couch watching a game, I didnt care, my life was about to change forever!), and then held it some more while I took off the cap and got ready. ahhhhhhh, relief. I didnt wait, I watched. I watched for 5 minutes. Had a cry and thew the stick in the trash can. 


Really? Why did I see something on that earlier? could they both be wrong? I did buy a different brand. Maybe that isnt as sensitive? but it says 'even more sensitive' on the box! Maybe I didnt see anything on the other one. So I found that old stick from this mornig (yes I went dumpster diving twice today) and it was still there, really faint, but there. Then I googled and this is what I found - http://www.peeonastick.com/hptfaq.html#7
Its an evaporation line. Fan-friggin-tastic!
UGH. I was all fine to be done and know it was over, and then got my hopes up again. AARRHH this sucks, those sticks mess with your head!

I cant tell you how much money and time I have spent on pee-sticks. Some to see if I was about to ovulate and others were to see if I had infact beat the odds and got pregnant. I should have taken out stock in First Response or ClearBlue. It took me a couple of years into the ovulation sticks to realize they sold them in bulk at Costco, nice! I did them during four rounds of IUIs in 2005 and 2006, then after a failed pg in 2007.
I didnt really need them, I knew exactly when I was ovulating. But as I wasnt getting pregnant, maybe I didnt really know when the eggie was coming and still bought them anyway. 100s of dollars later, I still have a pack of half used ones in my cupboard from last year when we took a break from IVF to try naturally again. Not sure why I bought them or why I still have them, but they will become part of the decluttering of IF parafanalia that wll ensue tomorrow after I hear my beta results.

I also didnt know until I joined a fertility forum last year that you could buy pg tests online in bulk. Actually until I joined the forum it didnt dawn on me to 'cheat' before my beta on my previous 3 cycles. I had found a need to buy them on other oaccasions, when I could have sworn I was pg. but it proved nothing and Aunty Flo would always show up.  cycle 4 and 5 I only did it on the day of beta and I have to say it really helped soften the blow. It was still crappy to hear, as there was part of me that knew those sticks can be wrong, but it did dampen the sting slightly.
cyle 6 - my last (this one) I became a member of the POAS club. Not that it made it more fun, as they have all been bfn, it just made me realize sooner than tomorrow that it was over and to give up. The fall will not be as hard this time.

They are mean things, those pee sticks.
Sure they bring many people much joy. Hey, I had one turn positive in 2001 when we found out we were pg with ds. That seems so foreign now. I dont know that I know what that feels like. OMG, I might actually still have the stick, I should go look for it. Ok, that would be seriously insane, but I think it went into a memory box, which honestly I havent looked at since I was pg with him. Haha, that would be funny (nutcase!). Ok, I will go looking tomorrow. Hey maybe if I find it and it still says 'prenant' (yes I had to have one that said it!), I can look at that until my nurse calls to burst my bubble!

One time I waited to pee all afternoon, to really brew up strong urine (as you know that would make me pg, right?) and as I was about to pee on it, I dropped it in the toilet! OMG, are you f;ing kidding. Why didnt you grab another one you say? because it was the only one I had :)

I am sure you have had your own funny pee-stick stories, I would love to hear them!

off to pee on another stick. ggrrrr. Good night!

think its over

BFN yesterday and today. Today should have been my beta, but I changed it due to it being a weekend and having to drive 2 hours round trip with ds (dh went to work early this am) just for b/w. Its 14dpo and 9dp5dt. So I am thinking its over.

a bfn for me and the Princess?

I realized that it wouldnt give me a BFP out of the gate, so I am ok with the fact that it hasnt shown up yet.
So I am irritated today by INTOUCH Weekly Magazine, random I know! They have on their most recent front page, a picture of the newly wed William and Kate and the headline reads "Will & Kate's Baby Heartbreak" subtitle says "Royal doctor confirms: she cant get pregnant."

So I ofcourse picked it up as I was intrigued. Not only is a 'princesses job to produce a blood heir' but as I read the article, I realized that  'William's step mother Camilla, has been telling a friend that "health complications from Kate's adolescence raised red flags that might have an impact on her ability to conceive."

WHAT? REALLY? you are going to tell the world she is infertile when she hasnt even probably started trying. I mean, the word is thrown around so lightly by people who dont get it. Am I the only one is annoyed by this? Of course I know alot more than the average person who hasnt been through this, but many people dont get the ins and outs of what has an effect and what doesnt. She could have never had any problems and found out she couldnt get pregnant. I just feel sorry for her. If its not going to be stressful enough to get pregnant to produce an 'heir' but now shes got the world thinking she cant do it anyway. I hope someone gives her some good advice if she has to go down this road, which I hope she doesnt. Wouldnt wish it upon anyone.

theres my rant. Thank you!

The article isnt online, I dont know if its from their May 30 issue, which obviously comes out in print a week early. I will keep looking.

“The management of fertility is one of the most important functions of adulthood.” Germaine Greer

POAS update

Wednesday I got some sticks and did it! it was a BFN :( but only 5dp5dt, so still early).
Thursday am - 6dp5dt - BFN. But I am wondering if you can call it a day past if its in the am and my ET was at 1pm?
So now its Friday - 7dp5dt and I am waiting for the stick to change. Well there is a horizontal line, but I will wait the 3 minutes to see if the other vertical line appears.

three minutes later....

BFN. Shit!

2ww. Let the POASing begin!

I would not be lying if I said I just want this to be over. This will be my last monitored 2ww and I am thrilled. I know I should be more upbeat about it and hopeful that this time will work, but lets be honest people. Maybe 6th time will be the charm? hmmm...only time will tell. I have decided that I will be having a POAS-a-thon. and I will not be telling my husband as he will not approve! But I will tell my 'girls' as they are waiting for it :) So for my social media world friends...lets get this party started! Ok, maybe tomorrow, I dont have any sticks yet!

Call from the lab...heart dropped....and now its back up!

Friday - rollercoaster!

This moring I had a breakfast meeting and had my phone on mute. So imagine my horror when I saw a voice mail from the RE's office waiting for me, and they had said they would only call if the fresh didn't make it to day 5, and frostie didn't make it through thaw. My heart dropped. But, The message was from the lab director who sounded so excited and wanted me to know that our one egg which fertilized, made it to a 5 day blast. Holy shit!!

So after a quick lunch, shoving a prometrium tablet up my hoo ha in a pizza place bathroom, and popping a valium I was ready for my 5 day transfer! It was different than others. This was truly the last time I would grow through this. Even though this is obviously a big deal, it was the most matter-of-fact relaxed procedure I have had over the past 7 years. dh couldnt come, a friend brought me, but I was alone afterwards and just read a magazine. Then when my time was up, threw on my clothes, and now I am home on the couch watching tv and just trying to relax!

oh and I am PUPO with twins!!!

tomorrow will I be PUPO???

This week has actually flown by. I thought it was going to go slowly, but have managed to stay busy as always, and now its the eve of my day 5 transfer... eeeee!

I have no idea what is waiting for me tomorrow morning. I wont know if the fresh embryo made it until they do it in the morning. They will only call if neither of them make it, but frostie will be fine, I know it!

Had so much bloat this week, but operation Gatorade has been underway and I have managed to lose my weight gain from this cycle! I have hardly pooped, but did today, and felt like a new woman. Then I realized my tongue and throat are sore, and hubby thinks I have thrush, sexy! I will ask them tomorrow if they can give me something for it. Never a dull moment!

nighty night. Grow embaby grow, mamas coming to get you tomorrow!

Only one good egg?

Well I was so excited that we got four eggs, and now feel defeated, again. Out of the four eggs they got, only one was mature. But luckily that one fertilized! So now I can hope and pray that it makes it to day 5. Grow baby grow!!!

ugh really? who am I kidding? what are the chances that it will go for 5 days?! The odds are against it.



“What is my loftiest ambition? I've always wanted to throw an egg at an electric fan.”  Oliver Herford  

Lead up to ER!

Its the day after egg retrieval, but I was in no mood to post this weekend, between my sons birthday party, no sleep, a raging headache, oh and egg retrieval. there wasnt much time!

So here is how the weekend went

Friday - I went in for b/w in the am. The runaway bunny was still there, holding at a 20. I had a 15 and a 12. Not really good under their IVF guidelines (need 4 over 15 on day of trigger), and they felt that we would lose that 20 if we risked waiting for others, so it was decided it was Trigger day. For what, I didnt know. It was either IVF for be switched to IUI. They called later and said considering I had a frozen one we were going to use too, they would let me go to IVF. Of course my trigger was at 12:15 am that night, with one last dose of Follistim earlier in the evening. Grow follies grow! Finally went to bed around 1am.

Saturday - my alarm was set for 6:30am, but ds was so excited about his party that day, that he was up with the birds at 6:15 and bouncing around. Yawn! We left at 7am, drove to the main clinic (about an hour away), got blood taken and drove home, somehow by 9:10am. Hubby had just arrived home from a night shift, and ds's friend had arrived for the day. I still needed to get balloons and stuff for the goody bags (aka plastic crap that kids love and parents hate). Nothing like last minute! It all went smoothly, arriving in time for the party at noon, the kids had a great time and I was in bed taking a nap by 4pm. zzzzz. still with headache in tow.

When I woke up ds had invited his friend to stay the night, so it was ofcourse a late night. Actually it would have been midnight - which was fine as I was guzzling my last fluids I would see for over 12 hours - but ds
discovered that his pet frog had died. So I let them watch some more tv and we were all asleep around 1am.

Sunday - 5am - I was woken up by my headache returning with avengence! Needless to say didnt sleep that well until 8am when we got up and got ready to leave. Shipped the tired kids off to the friends parents, and we were on our way! I got there and couldnt see anyone in the entrance office, but didnt realize they do weekend IVF check ins where they do blood - upstairs. And my headache had the better of me, and all I could think of was getting that IV and happy drugs so I could be relieved just for a bit. They called hubby and so I assumed they knew we were there. Then I saw the anethesiologist looking outside. Didnt realize he was looking for me. Needless to say we were now late! excellent. After apologizing, changing super fast, signing some paperwork (with a different name...that is a whole other story!), I was ready for my happy drugs. I soon woke up to find out they had managed to retrieve four eggs (2 more than expected)!! yay me! and best thing....no headache!
went home and napped, took a percocet that night and slept like a baby for the first time in nights.


and here we are, a gloomy Monday morning. Great day for a PJ day!

waiting waiting...and hoping for my eggies to behave!

"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother (Cinderella)

Trigger!

I am posting late at night, so it says its Saturday...and yes it is. But I haven't gone to bed yet. I am waiting to do my Trigger shot! woo hoo, on my way to IVF ER...and its earlier than we thought, I only stimmed for 10 days and dont have many follies. Its a bummer, as I was hoping this one would be great! But what are you going to do. DH will be able to come with me, and this weekend is nutty with DS's birthday party tomorrow (today!) and I need to get up in 6 hours to drive an hour each way just to get b/w. Let the crazy begin!

night night

Helllloooooo

Well after some time away to think and rethink.... its all come to a final IVF fresh cycle. I cant believe all i have done to get here...

4 IUIs/clomid
1 blighted ovum
2 DNCs
5 hysteroscopies
5 IVFs

We will see what we get and use frosty 2.0 and do a 5dt regardless. This is it, the finale of this rediculousness!

I am hoping I can hold out for 10 days of stims, so that dh can be there for both ER and ET. But whatever is meant to be will be! Really, I mean it. I am so mentally in a different place this cycle. Its not that I dont care, its just that this is it. I am ready to be done, regardless of this outcome it will be over! I do care and so badly want my own baby, but the one lesson I have learned over the course of this is that I have no control. I feel blessed to have come to truly believe it. Its funny as I still dont fly well (control issues), but I am truly ok with knowing that nothing I do (well other than doing what my dr says) will change the outcome. So here goes!

WTF!

I had a major meltdown on Wednesday morning. I just off loaded everything on DH about how I am feeling... from doing more procedures, to adoption, to why I am still doing what I am doing.  I talked about my feelings for him and ds and how I am sick of people saying I should just be grateful for what I have. OF COURSE I am grateful, probably more so than some people. It is because of them that I am doing all of this! And a whole crapload of other stuff I spewed off.

It felt good to get it out, and I said he didnt have to respond. Which he didnt. Men like to fix things and I knew that if he tried to respond it would backfire and not be good. So I got up and walked away after about 2 minutes of silence (Think he was taken aback a bit!). I went and got ready and we went to our WTF apt.

HOLY SHIT WTF is right!! well I love our RE, we both do. He has really had faith in us when others might not have (you are only as good as your highest fsh even if others are normal yadda yadda). He really had faith to do that last cycle. Anyway, I said he didnt have to come up with a reason why it didnt work...its science, and even with that you somtimes cant come up with the reason. He did say that he was pleasantly surprised with how the cycle went (which we were too).

So we skipped going over the cycle...seriously, i was there, I know what happened. We talked about frosty 2.0 and what we can do - We can go full guns blazing with meds (bcps, lupron, estrace and prog), there might have been an inbetween - maybe just doing estrace or maybe with lupron?, and the other end of the spectrum is to do the most laid back, no investment emotionally or physically and just follow my cycle, make sure lining is good, and put in frosty on day 5 after I Ovulate.

He said we could also talk about donor egg, and "also" he said "the other option is to just walk away"...
(sharp pain in my heart)
Then he dropped a bomb! He put his head in his hands and said "there is another option and I cant believe I am going to say this" (omg neither can I) ...then he looked at us and said "I know you guys want closure, we have talked about this before, but... with the way your cycle went this time, I would honestly be ok with doing another fresh..." WHAT?! I looked at him and shook my head (and kicked him under the table!) and said "I cant believe you just said that!"... dh laughed. holy frick! So I said well if I am going in full guns blazing to put one frostie in, I guess what is a few more meds and try and get some new ones out of it right? If we didnt have a good response he would cancel, we would have sex and we would still have a d5t with frosty.

my head was spinning! I really was so done and didnt want to do another fresh cycle. What to do!?!

Then aftewards dh and I sat in the car and talked (he had to go to work then anyway). We talked about all the options that he gave us and pretty much right away we agreed that donor egg isnt the way for us. If I am going to do another procedure I might as well do my own, as they wont mix frostie and de in the same cycle (its just not what my clinic does, and we respect that). We also feel that if we are going to spend the time and money no de/surrogate....so get this, DH then said he knows that he will love a baby no matter how it comes to us and so he is ready to move on to adoption. HOLY COW! dh and I talked about what we see in our future and I said that just thinking about going down that road, makes me relax a bit. I know its not an easy journey, but I am so tired and my body has been through enough. 2 d&cs, biopsy, 5 hysteroscopies, 1 in office hysto that ended in disaster, 4 IUIs and 5 fresh IVFs and a blighted ovum in a pear tree.

I know I probably have it in me to do another one, but I am not sure. I was mentally ready to be done. Its not that I dont think I can fight the fight anymore, but I think my goal at the end of having a larger family outweighs that they have to be my biological children. My family is so mixed of step family, half brothers, some adopted. It just seems to make sense. I honestly had that breakdown as I thought that we would never have the 'talk' and that dh never wanted to adopt. I was so surprised when he said hes ok and talked for a long time about what he wants, his fears and expectations. There is a bit of light.

So we do need to figure out what to do with frosty and if it involves a fresh cycle. I also need to work out how we move forward with the adoption process, but in the end, we have decided to do both at the same time. HOLY CRAP this is huge! I am so relieved and happy. But still have to decide what to do with frosty, so...

Hello Auntie Flo, Goodbye pretty lining

I had hoped for a couple of days that maybe they had tested me early, that the stupid test didnt know what it was talking about. Maybe there was a slow one in there who hadnt 'shown' up yet. Just maybe I could for this one time, put an end to this god-awful journey and find a happy light at the end of the dark tunnel. Well I knew she was on her way, a HPT and BETA showed she was coming and I could 'feel' her presence as she neared. Sunday, she arrived in full force. Just barged her way in, plopped down her crap and made like she was staying for a while! Well fine. Except, NO!!! my gorgeous lining, my 9, every time I went to the bathroom, was running literally down the toilet. I didnt even want to poop as fear of pushing more out. Day two continued the same way. Wow, it really had been a good lining. By now, I would have AF packing her bags to make a very slow departure. Day 3, she was starting to go. Good Ridance BIOTCH. sorry to anyone who is named Flo, but I seriously hate that name!

Its gone. All that work. Just gone.

Lucky for me I have been completely distracted since I cried my eyes out Thursday night with an event I am planning which is coming up this Friday. If it wasnt for that, it would have been a long weekend. The other weird thing to the pushing-into-the-back-of-the-mind kind of mourning of an IVF cycle is when you already have a child. When they called with my results, I was in the middle of a mean game of Battleship. What I wanted to do was to start screaming and crying and stomp my feet, a good old fashioned WTF temper tantrum. But instead, I wiped back tears, hid behind the separater of the game board and called out "M6." "miss" my son happily announced.

That night I then slipped into a glass of wine as my guilt of not being happy, washed over me. How could I not just be happy with what I have. That is the question I have been asked many times from friends and other people I have met. Who seem to understand what it is that I am seeking. More on that another time. Its not that I am NOT happy,...crap I am so unbelievably happy and feel so blessed for the miracle that is my child. I cant stand it when people assume that, just becuase I want another. Where they not happy with their first child when they wanted to have another? Ok this is my biggest issue with people not 'getting it' but its nothing I can change in anyone, so I just deal with it and smile and pretend I am not wanting to smack them for the thought that they could think that I, a person who prides themselves on be grateful for just being able to walk, could be so ungrateful for the beautiful family I already have.

Still hiding in the colourful shadows of my fun event planning. Dreading this weekend when its over and I will realize what just happened. But again, I have a family and need to move on. Put on a happy face!!


“It brings back emotions — how down we were. At the same time, there's happiness. There's some closure, because it's been a mystery.”  Don Payne

fat lady is singing somewhere

BFN
I think its supposed to stand for Big Fat Negative. But I am coining it Big Fucking Nothing.

Thats all
Heartbroken. Broken.

the up down and all around is making me tired

the emotional rollercoaster that is....

whoa, its been a week since I have posted, really have had so much to say, but have said it in other places, mostly on my forum, which I couldnt live without, especially not now.

So the big question of the week was to POAS or NOT. I have only done it once on the last cycle the morning of beta and was almost glad I had a heads up, even thought the news seem to strike me like lightning.
So I caved. I did it. I cant believe it. I was having a crap day and thought, well I know I am preggers, so what better way to bring myself up than to see those lines. Well that was the wrong thing to do. It was BFN, shit!  :(

I have been trying so hard ever since to keep my chin up and realize that maybe its too early. Poor hubby came home this morning and did his daily kiss on my tummy. and said 'only one more day'! I didnt have the heart to tell him. He would be really upset with me anyway that I did it before beta day.
So now I dont have a stick for tomorrow am and hoping that going out to do my blood early enough will make him forget that I was going to POAS tomorrow morning.

Thats all. I am feeling deflated already and preparing for the shittiest day tomorrow. CRAP I really thought that frozen embroy that I waved to for two years, was our baby. I really thought this was it. But now I have nothing, but another carrot dangling, another frozen embryo. Maybe that one is 'the one' ha, who am I kidding.

A friend of mine who has gone through many of the same journey called and said that she had just seen an article on a drugy getting pg so easily and said 'you know if she gets pg just like that and lives that life, and I cant get pg in 8 years and have done everything right to prep my body, I think its telling me something." Yeah maybe shes right. I saw someone post a quote on facebook which pretty much sums it up...ugh enough is enough!

"The true definition of madness is repeating the same action, over and over, hoping for a different result." - Albert Einstein