Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The OCDs of the IFTs

Ok, hands up.How many of you have checked your underwear when you werent even having your period?!

Well my hand is raised and I know there must be others out there too. I know, weird... but seriously if we arent checking for CM we are checking for AF.

Oh yeah and scratch what I said in my last post about not counting. I am STILL FUCKING COUNTING!

Yes, last week I was getting crampy and then a bit nauseous and then looked at the calendar. The problem was I am now out of the habit of writing a #1 on the first day of AF on my calendar, so my 'time off' was geting the better of me and now I didnt know what day I was. I remember being the pool and telling my friend that I was ending my pathetic (no lining induced) period, so I could swim again - ok so another OCD thing I have aquired from this god-awful experience is that I am now somehow opposed to using tampons. Not that I need them, well maybe for AF after IVF... but otherwise a pany liner will suffice for a day or two. My therapist once told me that it was like I had some sort of PTSD (post traumatic stress) after experiencing placenta left behind (thats another story) and a miscarriage of a blighted ovum (also worthy of its own entry.

While good for my soul, the past two months of being off the IF loopy Train, has now messed me up when my mind has done the awful thing and jumped on the OCD train of Infertility. I mean I dont think before I started TTC 7 years ago that I counted numbers of days in my head (every day, as who the hell knows if another day crept in there) and also checked my undies for anything that might look, er... different? did I? no, I didnt! ...or maybe hoping that nothing is there as maybe, just maybe, I am PREGNANT?! ha ha... doesnt hurt to atleast look and dream, right?

Well I got AF last week, although it was more pathetic than ever. And now, I am  few days of feeling slightly 'off' and here we go again. The old mind tricks. "what if I am pregnant and just had my period? that happens to people all the time, could happen to me, right?!"

ha haahaha hahahah.........................
sorry, I just fell off my chair.

Well I dont know and I am not going to give into the desire to get into my car, drive to CVS, buy a HPK and then pee, wait three agnozing minutes to find out I am not. I mean, waste of money and time.

Ugh, its like when I leave the house and have to check the door again, or (we have all done this one), run back in to make sure the - (fill in the blank) _______________ is off. No I am not making fun of people with OCD. I was actually diagnosed with it back in the 90s, the same time I was diagnosed with panic disorder, and shortly after being diagnosed with MS (1997, good times...) all because a lack of control. NO, really?

I am not caving into the desire to do all of the above. Just not gonna do it. Not gonna do it. I am NOT pregnant. Nor can I get Pregnancy. Why is my mind doing this?

My therapist told me along time ago that part of my OCD tendancies where to dwell on something, because it made me feel good. What? seriously? this makes me feel good?

No, what she meant was that I am so used to feeling a certain way about something that I dont know how to feel any other way, so therefore, the old way, well... feels right, feels good. So the same goes with my IF tendancies to feel 'stuck' or trapped, or whatever you want to call this sense to repeat my behaviour (hello, IVF 6 times), is that its all I am used to, all I can deal with. The idea of succeeding and moving on is mostly non existant. I did feel a sense of elation when we decided to move onto adoption and then spent so much time doing other things I didht have time to dwell on what I was so used to dwelling on, the incompentence of my ovaries and uterus. But here I am. After our 'break; and a little time to myself and BAM, its back.

Tim to pick a new hobby.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

coming unstuck

Wow, its been two months since I last wrote anything on here, and how things change in two months.
Its not easy to take a break from IF, unless you are forced to...and that we were.

Shortly after my last post we went on a cruise with family and friends. It was SO needed and was the perfect trip for that specific timing. It was so gorgeous to be sitting on the deck of our room and not to see anything but blue, but also to be able to go dancing, gambling, eating and drinking, all day and night...was quite the distraction. We snorkled with turtles, ds got to sail a catamaran (he also won $50 at bingo!), and I got to spend time with my sister who I miss so much. After being home for a week I was given the most amazing (and surprising) 40th birthday ever by my sweet dh... He kicked me out the morning of my bday for lunch, wine tasting and spa day with some close girlfriends, only to return home and see my family and closest friends (from coast to coast) all standing in my back yard. This is what life is about! It was magical!

The past seven years didnt come into my mind that entire two weeks. It was so refreshing! We then enjoyed some more family time with my ILs and have been enjoying our beach and pool club. I picked up a tennis raquet for the first time in ages and didnt do too badly. I have been reading a book to assist me in starting my business plan for a business which I dream about, but I have been stuck and not able to move forward with it.

I guess my mind has been reset; I have become unstuck.

I cant believe it, i never thought it would be. Its been two months of emerging myself in family, friends and life, without any dr appointments, needles, pills (well I am still taking vitamin d and need to start a multivitamin), but its been so nice to have a true break. I have realized that those times inbetween cycles when we said 'we are taking a break' werent really that. The stress was still there, I still counted days in my head when we were having sex, and felt heartbroken when Flo showed up. These are hard habits to break.

I have had my period I think three times since our last cycle and can honestly tell you I dont know what day I am on today. Yep, for the first time in all these years I am not counting days.

Now, dont get me wrong. My desire to expand our family has not changed. I am just as motivated, if not more to complete our family...but I think knowing that my body doesnt have to endure any more makes it less stressful. I have collected some info about some adoption agencies, but we havent called any of them or filled out paperwork. That is our project for next week (ds is going to his grandparents for 2 weeks and we will join him the 2nd week, so I am home alone for a week!). Its time to get cracking. I am happy to be back, but the focus of how we are getting there will shift.