Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Mr Dildocam is telling me to SLOW down!

Monday I went back for blood work and a date with the dildo cam to check for cysts. Well, no cysts, but a large follie! That would be great if it wasnt day 7! So my RE said 'well its normal for what we know about you...your body is rushing with getting through the first part of your cycle'
Unfortunately there is little you can do to change that. You can mess with the 2nd part (after you ovulate) which should be 14 days until your can give a little help with estrogen and progesterone. But the first part is pretty much pointing a big fat finger at that one high FSH that I had about 3 years ago. Well instead of getting mad at my body, I am trying to learn from it. Its rushing, eh? well that is what I do all the time. I have been rushing since I had my son almost 9 years ago. So I talked to hubby and he agreed. I need to SLOW DOWN! I have been in the weeds (obvious by the piles in my office, and mess of my jewelry drawer), for AGES! My eggs are just doing what I do - RUSH! So its time to take it down a notch. To stop and slow down. I have an urge to be busy all the time, even if I dont have to be anywhere, I will find something to list is as long as my arm.
But no, no more. I need to take this lesson and make a change.
So here I am on day 3 of Operation Slow Down, and doing pretty well. It did help that hubby was home this morning, and so after putting son on the bus we went back to bed to watch TJ Hooker (remember that show!), and do the 'deed' we figure if the follie can hang on a few more days, it might just be a good candidate. Will we then have to call our child TJ or William Shatner?! DH would LOVE that! (trekkie).
Ok, gotta run, oh wait walk! hahaha...

“One's action ought to come out of an achieved stillness: not to be mere rushing on.” - D.H. Lawrence

Thursday, January 20, 2011

waiting at the station with my kid

I have done alot of thinking today about judgement and how we all do it no matter how much we try not to, or tell our kids not to. I already wrote about this...not judging before you know someones full story, but I find that I think about this often. That we rarely know someone's entire story, and when we arent sure we know it, its not fair to assume we know what its like to live it.

This morning I went in for b/w and it was like cattle call at my old clinic in there, holy cow! everyone must have thought...ok, new years resolution, lets get over there and have a baby. Actually there was a meds class about to begin, so I think most of them were waiting for that. Either way, they were all seeming to need blood too. I had ds with me and it took 40 minutes just to get my name called. "Number 3004, you're up!" well that is how it felt. And I have to say, I am not used to that anymore. It used to be common place for me to be part of a room full of people, all trying to avoid eye contact. But I didnt take ds with me to that place unless it was just blood, as I could leave him in the hallway while I poked my head in the door, grabbed paperwork and went downstairs to the communal blood lab where you became part of another more general cattle call. Not just herd that was trying to breed, but more like herd that was sick, breeding, and everything in between. Anyway, I digress...

So in I walked with ds, and of course there is a room full of men and women; no other kids. Luckily ds has mellowed (thats a whole other blog!) and had a book he was really into, so he just read quietly. He did get up once to check out the coffee machine. Its one of those fancy ones that can make whatever you want. It should make cosmos for those 'not-so-fun' appointments! So while we were sitting there, there was a lady in front of me who started squirming in her seat. I looked up and she looked away, and I realized she was looking at ds. So of course, now I enter that inbetween world of  bouncing between 'oh you poor thing you need help having a baby' and 'oh you have a child already, why are you here?'...
But now I am judging her for judging me, and who knows if she really is judging me, right? I should take that chip and throw it away, but here it sits on my shoulder.

Someone announced today on FB that their 4th child had arrived. I was happy to hear the news and the picture of the new little one with three bigger siblings clutching her, was (I will admit) adorable. She had on more than one occasion told me that she just needs to get drunk and BAM - preggers.  ugh.
I couldnt help feel a pang inside me somewhere, thinking 'what the hell!' but it was less. Much less than it would have been a year ago, or even two years ago. So I thought, I should be proud of myself. I really have learned that its ok for me to be truly happy for others (which I really am), and to not feel I have to have that angry me that used to feel terrible that it wasnt me with an exciting bump, that wasnt because of too much food at the holidays. We dont know if someone had a hard time conceiving or what had to happen in order for that baby to be here (ok so obviously FB lady just needed a bottle of wine), but they are all miracles no matter what had to happen.

But its not fair for me to assume that squirmy lady should feel the same way. I dont know she doesnt have other children, and she doesnt know that I concieved him with out any trouble. But we all make assumptions and pass judgement. And so here I was waiting at the "train" station with my kid, and not knowing why people were getting on the train, or where they were ultimatley going to get off. But does that matter? No.
FYI - blood work was not normal. High estrogen. need to go back monday for scan to make sure its camled down and not a cyst. Fantastic. Choo hoo!

“Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever.”  Nancy Lopez

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Saints and Steam

Cramps...and it's only CD1...again. Ugh!

So I was thinking the other day that its been a while since i did anything proactive for my fertility (well other than doing the deed, although that was minimal this month, um, once? What? It just wasnt part of our nighttime routine, both exhausted) anyway that isn't part of the story. I have been thinking again about accupuncture but just dont know if its right for me. So might look into doing massage...although its the $ to think about. I am doing a bit more with my meditation - up to a minute now! Also its important to nurture the spiritual side of your being. I have been tested more than any other time of my life during the past 7 years, I think that my faith in my religion and also in the universe has truly grown and the saying 'whats meant to be will be, and its out of our control' really has become more real this past year. I feel blessed to have come to a point in my life that I can truly say and believe it. Its hard to do.

Recently it cme to my attention that St Gerard is the patron saint of fertility. So I contacted this church in Jersey that supposedly sends them to people for praying to. So it cant hurt right? I will take all the praying possible! My fertility goddess sure as hell isn't doing what she Is supposed to do. But its been over a week and i haven't heard from the church and its getting close to CD1 (see first sentence re: cramps) so i thought I would just find one myself. Guess what, found one on, just search for St Gerad...there are a bunch of items. Wonder if its still as 'holy' and works the same. Not sure about buying religion items on Amazon, but need something here soon!

Then another item was brought to my attention by a few different people....check it out. Steamng your hoo ha!,0,3315605.story

Can you imagine?? Well I have done everything from sleeping with my hips up to drinking robitussin to thin out my cervical mucus, to eating copious amounts of yams to increase progesterone, and I even did some wheat grass shots with a friend going through the same thing, but couldnt stick to it, yuk! So why not try this? I mean it has to be better than acupuncture, right? Sorry bashing the needles again!

Hmm. Food for thought. LOL

Friday, January 7, 2011

pressure points the target to de-stress?

Last year I tried accupunture and honeslty...well lets just say it wasnt for me. I did 3 sessions and at the top of the 3rd session I completely lost it. I guess the fact that I had to have my sister talk me into it as I drove the hour to her office probably should have tipped off that I really wasnt enjoying it. BUt I so badly wanted it to work. So after I cried and sobbed and just 'let it out' for about 10 minutes, she told me that she didnt think it was right for me at this time and I need to work on trusting people to touch me. H aha!! well you see, I dont usually have trouble with that, unless of course they are SHOVING NEEDLES INTO ME! infact my old intramuscular MS drugs hurt less! So she let me lie down and did some 'work' on my ears to relax me. See I wish she had started with that, as that was actually quite relaxing. Or maybe it was because we had broken up with each other (you know that sense of relief you get after a break up altho did she break up with me?).

So now here I am about to embark on around 'round' and wondering if I start it sooner if it will give me a better chance at liking it or whether I should just go to massage. My RE's clinic offers accupuncture, even before and after ET, and they have an option of lazer accupunture, which I should maybe look into.

Lots of people and studies say it helps. I wish I could just get past the part of having an axiety attack the minute she leaves me in the room alone with needles sticking out all over me. Just the image of what I must look like freaks me out!

Here is a good basic 'what to know' about accupunture and infertility, specifically talking about during IUI, IVF treatments.

even the media was looking into this over 6 years ago.. wow, I guess I should have thought about this a bit sooner?

So in looking around I found this 'how to'on accupressure, maybe I can do this myself?

either way, there is something to relaxing during this process and allowing yourself the time to chill out. I have just started meditation...the art of quieting the mind. Its really HARD! I can do it for about 30 seconds and thats about it. Its easier when someone else is working on you like in a reike session or massage as the movement and touch is almost mezmorizing which helps you feel a bit sleepy and relaxed. I need to look more into this. I know stress plays a factor on infertility and most stressors you cant take out, but I guess the way you deal with them is something that can be controlled.

even Britney Spears knows how to relax...
"Every night, I have to read a book, so that my mind will stop thinking about things that I stress about.”  - Britney Spears

Monday, January 3, 2011

Happy New Year!

Well here we are, a new year and hopefully a year of many wonderful surprises! I have such a positive outlook about this year, not only for my own fertility but for that of some of my dear friends. I am also hopeful for my business to change its direction, and just hoping that the slump that so many people have experienced in the past couple of years will start to bounce in the other direction. Happy 2011!!

The thing about my fertility journey and the time lapse, is that rather like a school year, its not run by the annual calendar. June is my year end, so December 31st into January 1st is just like everyone elses. A normal thing. Nice.

“Midnight passes, and you have made it. On New Year's, everyone is happy because they have survived for another year.”  Peter Wang