Thursday, January 20, 2011

waiting at the station with my kid

I have done alot of thinking today about judgement and how we all do it no matter how much we try not to, or tell our kids not to. I already wrote about this...not judging before you know someones full story, but I find that I think about this often. That we rarely know someone's entire story, and when we arent sure we know it, its not fair to assume we know what its like to live it.

This morning I went in for b/w and it was like cattle call at my old clinic in there, holy cow! everyone must have thought...ok, new years resolution, lets get over there and have a baby. Actually there was a meds class about to begin, so I think most of them were waiting for that. Either way, they were all seeming to need blood too. I had ds with me and it took 40 minutes just to get my name called. "Number 3004, you're up!" well that is how it felt. And I have to say, I am not used to that anymore. It used to be common place for me to be part of a room full of people, all trying to avoid eye contact. But I didnt take ds with me to that place unless it was just blood, as I could leave him in the hallway while I poked my head in the door, grabbed paperwork and went downstairs to the communal blood lab where you became part of another more general cattle call. Not just herd that was trying to breed, but more like herd that was sick, breeding, and everything in between. Anyway, I digress...

So in I walked with ds, and of course there is a room full of men and women; no other kids. Luckily ds has mellowed (thats a whole other blog!) and had a book he was really into, so he just read quietly. He did get up once to check out the coffee machine. Its one of those fancy ones that can make whatever you want. It should make cosmos for those 'not-so-fun' appointments! So while we were sitting there, there was a lady in front of me who started squirming in her seat. I looked up and she looked away, and I realized she was looking at ds. So of course, now I enter that inbetween world of  bouncing between 'oh you poor thing you need help having a baby' and 'oh you have a child already, why are you here?'...
But now I am judging her for judging me, and who knows if she really is judging me, right? I should take that chip and throw it away, but here it sits on my shoulder.

Someone announced today on FB that their 4th child had arrived. I was happy to hear the news and the picture of the new little one with three bigger siblings clutching her, was (I will admit) adorable. She had on more than one occasion told me that she just needs to get drunk and BAM - preggers.  ugh.
I couldnt help feel a pang inside me somewhere, thinking 'what the hell!' but it was less. Much less than it would have been a year ago, or even two years ago. So I thought, I should be proud of myself. I really have learned that its ok for me to be truly happy for others (which I really am), and to not feel I have to have that angry me that used to feel terrible that it wasnt me with an exciting bump, that wasnt because of too much food at the holidays. We dont know if someone had a hard time conceiving or what had to happen in order for that baby to be here (ok so obviously FB lady just needed a bottle of wine), but they are all miracles no matter what had to happen.

But its not fair for me to assume that squirmy lady should feel the same way. I dont know she doesnt have other children, and she doesnt know that I concieved him with out any trouble. But we all make assumptions and pass judgement. And so here I was waiting at the "train" station with my kid, and not knowing why people were getting on the train, or where they were ultimatley going to get off. But does that matter? No.
FYI - blood work was not normal. High estrogen. need to go back monday for scan to make sure its camled down and not a cyst. Fantastic. Choo hoo!

“Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever.”  Nancy Lopez

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