Saturday, October 30, 2010

watching a birth changed my outlook and my mind

Wow what a busy week! And its funny how I have come full circle in just a few days. On Thursday, I was hanging out with one of my bffs who was basically in labour. We were having a long chat about my stuff (in between her contractions), and I was saying that I am coming more and more to terms with the fact that I may only have one child....and that I am actually starting to feel ok with that. I know its weird. Maybe I am just exhausted. One thing I did not see happening on this journey....was the 'desire' subsiding. Its not that I am giving up; no, I am just really starting to appreciate and really believe that whatever is meant to be, will be.  I dont think most people are tested to see if its really what they believe and feel amazed at myself that I can actually truly, with the deepest seed of my heart, believe it.

We had a fun afternoon of walking her around and pausing for each contraction. I thought at one point 'do I really want to go through this again anyway?!' I stopped to get her a glass of sangria (I know I am not the best labour buddy, but she seems to think I am!) - dont worry, she only drank a few sips but it relaxed her.

That night I got the call at 1am to come to the hospital. With one hour of sleep under my belt, I scrambled to put on clothes, grabbed my purse and keys (I had my camera and stuff already in the car, as I knew it was going to be a middle-of-the-night excursion), and drove down to the hospital. Soon after I arrived she got her epidural and I made her go to sleep. I spent some time with her hubby and then made him take a nap. I decided to cozy up on a chair, and grabbed a blanket off the floor. Yeah, one thing to know, if something is on the floor in a delivery room, its probably becuase its been used for something! I pulled it up to me and said 'why is this wet?'....she burst out 'oh my god, that must have been on the bed when she broke my water!'....that blanket went flying across the room and sent me flying into the bathroom to wash my hands. YUCK! we were laughing hysterically. We calmed down and tried to sleep, and then soon it was time to push. I promised her I would stay 'north of the border' as she says and would only take non-offensive pictures. Well that changed once the baby's head began to emerge and I followed the process behind the lense. Two things I have to say....I have such admiration to my friend and any woman who has pushed out a baby (myself included), that is hard work! it was amazing! and also, I have changed my mind, I want another one! I want to go through that and give my husband the joy of cutting the cord and feeling the shear relief that the boulder between your hips is now out and crying and being suctioned and put on my breast. Yes, it changed me, it changed my mind.

“To witness the birth of a child is our best opportunity to experience the meaning of the word miracle.” - Paul Carvel

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Are you done judging that book?

I have had such a wonderful time lately connecting with old friends...seems to be happening all at once. Met an old friend who is adopting a baby and then have met many with kids, some with 4. But I realized that as much as they dont know about my journey, I dont know about theirs. I dont know how they came to have those 4 kids. They didnt shake my hand or give me a hug and say...Hi, nice to see you, I have 4 kids, all from IVF!" So I dont judge and try to remember that noone knows whats going on behind closed doors. Ok, so there is a good possibility when someone asks me "arent you having any more" that they probably havent traveled down this same lonely they would know the code of conduct. Or atleast I hope so.
There was an article this week in the Washington Post about how Facebook is having a hard affect on people going through infertility, and I think it definitely is hard. But I have a friend who has only gloated about her kids, and yet probably most of the people who follow her on FB have no idea how she came to be a mother of two. So again, I dont judge those people.

I am trying to have an open mind about not only others, but also myself. Its harder to be open about yourself than it is about others. We have expectations of what we should do, where and how we fit in. We live in a society that tells us we need to know these things. We cant just float around willy nilly not knowing where we are going to end up. Well, i have had enough, I want to float around like a feather in the wind. Not knowing might be nice. I mean do I really know anythign? No! Do any of us? No! We just hope that it turns out the way we expect it to. So for now, I am taking a step back. I am going to try to work on being grateful on what I have and not beat myself up for what I dont have. I am going to try and be as open minded about myself as I am about others. We dont know, truly dont know... so dont even try to judge the book by the cover. You cant really judge it until you have read it and lived it cover to cover.

“I can speak of my own criterion for judging whether or not a book is good or bad. I ask of it a single question, From how deep and true an impulse did it spring? Was it written merely to shock? Only to make money? Or was it written to create something.”  Lawrence Clark Powell

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Reconnecting with old and new friends is good for the soul

Its been a week since I have posted and was a week of fun and forgetting. I had my 20th year reunion, so we traveled for a few days for that, which was lots of fun. To catch up with people and see what they had been up to all this time was excellent! Ok, so of course the question of what do you do, married, with kids? all came up. Follow up questions of 'what no more?' also followed. I have become a pro at my response, which invariably changes, but was met with such compassion...even though I never said 'it' those who had been my friends for a reason met me with compassion and knowing. One friend announced that he is in the middle of adopting a baby and I told him I would keep everything crossed that it all goes smoothly.

Meanwhile, my body is somehow conforming to us deciding 2 days after the hysto that CD1 was in effect. I think I am ovulating right now. This morning hubby woke up a little early and we 'danced' which was lovely and I tried with all my might not to count in my head. Every time it popped back in "saturday was day 1...." my other voice would say 'let it go.' I am proud that I havent actually counted on my fingers as I do every month, even though...lets face it...I sort of know where I am; I'm not stupid.

I have recently met a new friend who is also traveling downt his journey. What fun that was, to have someone who just gets it! xox
Today, I am off to enjoy meeting a new friend this morning and a massage this afternoon. Some work inbetween and a little bit of throwing an effort to de-clutter my house and my spirit.

What a difference a couple of weeks makes!

“Nothing is more important than reconnecting with your bliss. Nothing is as rich. Nothing is more real.”  Deepak Chopra

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


My head has been in a bad place the past few days. The drama continued and it took another chip in my stone exterior. I have been through worse, but its each drama that chips away and makes me more vulnerable. Its getting harder to keep a strong case when the armour I put up it almost wore down.

“These look like hard outer shells on some parts of some outcrops, and they’re darker and a little redder than the rock that they encrust.”  Steve Squyres

Friday, October 8, 2010

drama queen that is my Uterus!

Ugh, the f;ing drama of my uterus continues.

I had the hysteroscopy yesterday. Took some adivan and valium on the way (sounding like a druggie now, but seriously you have to get through it somehow), and felt great when I got there (almost walked sideways to the door!). Then got all prepped and went in. Next thing I am out and its done. Or so I thought.... I had to have DH repeat it all to me last night when he got home from work, as I couldnt believe in my post-sedated state that I heard correctly. So it seems that Dr H went in and got the little piece of scar tissue out (it was scar tissue, so I am glad we did it as it woudlnt have come out with AF). Then he went looking around for diagnostics. Well, he came across a large patch of scaring at the top of my uterus (I told you it has its own life force in there), which was almost like a portion of the top (between the tubes) had been pinched in to form a bit hanging down. So he cut at it to losen and basically took it all off.

So now I wait for AF, THEN he wants to re-do the saline sono or he will just re-do the hysteroscopy. HOLY CRAP. do you know how long all of that is going to take? I probably wont get AF for another two weeks (as I am mid-cycle and only on BCPs for 5 days), then its another basically 6 weeks?

Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock.....

The other thing that happened was I got really bloated yesterday and by the time I went to bed my tummy was killing me (I had gained 12lbs over the course of the day!), so thought if it hadnt gone in the AM (I was back to only 7lbs over my normal weight this am), that I would call. So I went in this afternoon and one of the REs confirmed that I have lots of fluid so its probably just going everywhere, and the pain (which feels like I pulled all muscles in my tummy) is from everything stretching out. I had a minor break down in the room. She said 'whats wrong' and I said 'its just one of those days, its ok, its nothing' and she said 'its ok, tell us about your day' Really? You really want me to tell you about my day. Ok, here goes. so I said 'well it started when I went to take my cat to the vet for what I thought was a urinary tract infection and he peed all over me when I was putting him in the carrier' and then... She said 'oh its hard to have a sick pet'...and what i thought was 'you idiot, its not about the frickin cat...its just that its been 6 years of this crap and I am so tired of it, and I just want to go back to my life and have a bit of simple for once.'

So I am just having a down week. I feel another piece of me chipped away and not sure I can do much more. I cant believe I just create scar tissue the way I do, and wonder if this is just a sign to quit.


Tuesday, October 5, 2010

in limbo

Today was not a good limbo. Why is it that I feel that we are moving forward and then BAM I get hit with another obstacle. hmpf.

Found this quote. Wish I could just drop the past 6. Well, thats not entirely true, I have had some lovely moments. meeting new friends, seeing my husband graduate his training and enter the working world, and all of the amazing acheivements of our son who is now 8. Yes, those I would not change. But these 6 years of IF God can take. But I guess then I wouldnt have met the people I have met along this journey. Well, I get it now, have learned lessons, met some amazing people and feel more complete. Arent I ready now?

 “Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.”   Brooks Atkinson

Saturday, October 2, 2010