Friday, March 25, 2011


I had a major meltdown on Wednesday morning. I just off loaded everything on DH about how I am feeling... from doing more procedures, to adoption, to why I am still doing what I am doing.  I talked about my feelings for him and ds and how I am sick of people saying I should just be grateful for what I have. OF COURSE I am grateful, probably more so than some people. It is because of them that I am doing all of this! And a whole crapload of other stuff I spewed off.

It felt good to get it out, and I said he didnt have to respond. Which he didnt. Men like to fix things and I knew that if he tried to respond it would backfire and not be good. So I got up and walked away after about 2 minutes of silence (Think he was taken aback a bit!). I went and got ready and we went to our WTF apt.

HOLY SHIT WTF is right!! well I love our RE, we both do. He has really had faith in us when others might not have (you are only as good as your highest fsh even if others are normal yadda yadda). He really had faith to do that last cycle. Anyway, I said he didnt have to come up with a reason why it didnt work...its science, and even with that you somtimes cant come up with the reason. He did say that he was pleasantly surprised with how the cycle went (which we were too).

So we skipped going over the cycle...seriously, i was there, I know what happened. We talked about frosty 2.0 and what we can do - We can go full guns blazing with meds (bcps, lupron, estrace and prog), there might have been an inbetween - maybe just doing estrace or maybe with lupron?, and the other end of the spectrum is to do the most laid back, no investment emotionally or physically and just follow my cycle, make sure lining is good, and put in frosty on day 5 after I Ovulate.

He said we could also talk about donor egg, and "also" he said "the other option is to just walk away"...
(sharp pain in my heart)
Then he dropped a bomb! He put his head in his hands and said "there is another option and I cant believe I am going to say this" (omg neither can I) ...then he looked at us and said "I know you guys want closure, we have talked about this before, but... with the way your cycle went this time, I would honestly be ok with doing another fresh..." WHAT?! I looked at him and shook my head (and kicked him under the table!) and said "I cant believe you just said that!"... dh laughed. holy frick! So I said well if I am going in full guns blazing to put one frostie in, I guess what is a few more meds and try and get some new ones out of it right? If we didnt have a good response he would cancel, we would have sex and we would still have a d5t with frosty.

my head was spinning! I really was so done and didnt want to do another fresh cycle. What to do!?!

Then aftewards dh and I sat in the car and talked (he had to go to work then anyway). We talked about all the options that he gave us and pretty much right away we agreed that donor egg isnt the way for us. If I am going to do another procedure I might as well do my own, as they wont mix frostie and de in the same cycle (its just not what my clinic does, and we respect that). We also feel that if we are going to spend the time and money no de/ get this, DH then said he knows that he will love a baby no matter how it comes to us and so he is ready to move on to adoption. HOLY COW! dh and I talked about what we see in our future and I said that just thinking about going down that road, makes me relax a bit. I know its not an easy journey, but I am so tired and my body has been through enough. 2 d&cs, biopsy, 5 hysteroscopies, 1 in office hysto that ended in disaster, 4 IUIs and 5 fresh IVFs and a blighted ovum in a pear tree.

I know I probably have it in me to do another one, but I am not sure. I was mentally ready to be done. Its not that I dont think I can fight the fight anymore, but I think my goal at the end of having a larger family outweighs that they have to be my biological children. My family is so mixed of step family, half brothers, some adopted. It just seems to make sense. I honestly had that breakdown as I thought that we would never have the 'talk' and that dh never wanted to adopt. I was so surprised when he said hes ok and talked for a long time about what he wants, his fears and expectations. There is a bit of light.

So we do need to figure out what to do with frosty and if it involves a fresh cycle. I also need to work out how we move forward with the adoption process, but in the end, we have decided to do both at the same time. HOLY CRAP this is huge! I am so relieved and happy. But still have to decide what to do with frosty, so...

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Hello Auntie Flo, Goodbye pretty lining

I had hoped for a couple of days that maybe they had tested me early, that the stupid test didnt know what it was talking about. Maybe there was a slow one in there who hadnt 'shown' up yet. Just maybe I could for this one time, put an end to this god-awful journey and find a happy light at the end of the dark tunnel. Well I knew she was on her way, a HPT and BETA showed she was coming and I could 'feel' her presence as she neared. Sunday, she arrived in full force. Just barged her way in, plopped down her crap and made like she was staying for a while! Well fine. Except, NO!!! my gorgeous lining, my 9, every time I went to the bathroom, was running literally down the toilet. I didnt even want to poop as fear of pushing more out. Day two continued the same way. Wow, it really had been a good lining. By now, I would have AF packing her bags to make a very slow departure. Day 3, she was starting to go. Good Ridance BIOTCH. sorry to anyone who is named Flo, but I seriously hate that name!

Its gone. All that work. Just gone.

Lucky for me I have been completely distracted since I cried my eyes out Thursday night with an event I am planning which is coming up this Friday. If it wasnt for that, it would have been a long weekend. The other weird thing to the pushing-into-the-back-of-the-mind kind of mourning of an IVF cycle is when you already have a child. When they called with my results, I was in the middle of a mean game of Battleship. What I wanted to do was to start screaming and crying and stomp my feet, a good old fashioned WTF temper tantrum. But instead, I wiped back tears, hid behind the separater of the game board and called out "M6." "miss" my son happily announced.

That night I then slipped into a glass of wine as my guilt of not being happy, washed over me. How could I not just be happy with what I have. That is the question I have been asked many times from friends and other people I have met. Who seem to understand what it is that I am seeking. More on that another time. Its not that I am NOT happy,...crap I am so unbelievably happy and feel so blessed for the miracle that is my child. I cant stand it when people assume that, just becuase I want another. Where they not happy with their first child when they wanted to have another? Ok this is my biggest issue with people not 'getting it' but its nothing I can change in anyone, so I just deal with it and smile and pretend I am not wanting to smack them for the thought that they could think that I, a person who prides themselves on be grateful for just being able to walk, could be so ungrateful for the beautiful family I already have.

Still hiding in the colourful shadows of my fun event planning. Dreading this weekend when its over and I will realize what just happened. But again, I have a family and need to move on. Put on a happy face!!

“It brings back emotions — how down we were. At the same time, there's happiness. There's some closure, because it's been a mystery.”  Don Payne

Thursday, March 10, 2011

fat lady is singing somewhere

I think its supposed to stand for Big Fat Negative. But I am coining it Big Fucking Nothing.

Thats all
Heartbroken. Broken.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

the up down and all around is making me tired

the emotional rollercoaster that is....

whoa, its been a week since I have posted, really have had so much to say, but have said it in other places, mostly on my forum, which I couldnt live without, especially not now.

So the big question of the week was to POAS or NOT. I have only done it once on the last cycle the morning of beta and was almost glad I had a heads up, even thought the news seem to strike me like lightning.
So I caved. I did it. I cant believe it. I was having a crap day and thought, well I know I am preggers, so what better way to bring myself up than to see those lines. Well that was the wrong thing to do. It was BFN, shit!  :(

I have been trying so hard ever since to keep my chin up and realize that maybe its too early. Poor hubby came home this morning and did his daily kiss on my tummy. and said 'only one more day'! I didnt have the heart to tell him. He would be really upset with me anyway that I did it before beta day.
So now I dont have a stick for tomorrow am and hoping that going out to do my blood early enough will make him forget that I was going to POAS tomorrow morning.

Thats all. I am feeling deflated already and preparing for the shittiest day tomorrow. CRAP I really thought that frozen embroy that I waved to for two years, was our baby. I really thought this was it. But now I have nothing, but another carrot dangling, another frozen embryo. Maybe that one is 'the one' ha, who am I kidding.

A friend of mine who has gone through many of the same journey called and said that she had just seen an article on a drugy getting pg so easily and said 'you know if she gets pg just like that and lives that life, and I cant get pg in 8 years and have done everything right to prep my body, I think its telling me something." Yeah maybe shes right. I saw someone post a quote on facebook which pretty much sums it up...ugh enough is enough!

"The true definition of madness is repeating the same action, over and over, hoping for a different result." - Albert Einstein

Wednesday, March 2, 2011


My RE just called and said "so I have a curve ball for you"... huh?
I guess one of the 'slow' one that was still around yesterday but hadnt made it to blast, so was going to probably crap out, made it to blast today! WHAT THE...!!!

So I have an option. Can freeze it, or go have it put in with the other! we opted to freeze, as honestly if this doesnt work, I will always think it was because of that. There is another frosty! ha ha, Frosty 2.0!

Good grief, just when you think this journey couldnt get any wackier, here it is! I wonder if that one is any good as it was so slow. But he said that it was better quality than the fresh and frozen we put in yesterday. Wow! Yep, nothing is text book with me. When I have been told something wont be a certain way, I dont believe it! anything is possible with me ha ha!!

Pupo with twins!!

It's the next morning and I am still in disbelief that I made it to day 5 transfer and I havev two embryos snuggling in down there. Pupo with twins, woo hoo!! This is so different from any other cycle, and I am trying not to think about the other shoe dropping.

Happiness. Sleepy time. Trying to take it easy.

“Life is made up of small pleasures. Happiness is made up of those tiny successes. The big ones come too infrequently. And if you don't collect all these tiny successes, the big ones don't really mean anything.”   Norman Lear

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

ET day is here!

Well seeing as I feel like I am going to throw up, and jump every time the phone rings, I would say that the emotions are flying high around here! Wow, this is way more nerve wracking than any other ETday I have gone into. I did metrogel last night - ummm thats yuck, and then stuck the giant tic tac up after it. TMI, but seriously...gross! I have to put a progesterone 200mg pill vaginally right before I leave at 11:30 and then its valium time ha ha!! hey, i figure I might as well be as relaxed as possible, right?!
The ET is at 12:45 - OMG cant believe I dont even know what is waiting for me!!

I am trying to push the negative thoughts away and just stay positive. I keep thinking, omg, what if there is nothing. But I know there will be something. I just have a feeling!! So I am positive and in a good place and the rest is out of my hands. So curious to see how they are all doing. They will call if nothing is there. They arent that mean. If that happens I will take the valium anyway!

Back later....

Tale of the Traveling Embryo

Sunday, my hear hubby went and picked up the tank. He happened to run into one of the REs who said he would call our old clinic and ask if we could pick up the embryo that day. The weather on Monday was supposed to be bad and we were nervous about that small window of getting it there in time. By the time he got home with the tank, the other clinic had called to say we could come and pick up! So he strapped it into my car and off I went.
When I pulled up at the old clinic a flood of emotions came back. This the place where I had been given so much hope, where I had been told my pregnancy was a ghost baby (blighted ovum) and also where my frosty baby had lived for the past 2 years. I had waved at the building every time I drove by on the highway, which wasnt often, as its an hour away, but did it all the same.
I opened the car door to get the tank - which I have not mentioned, looks like a small trash can - and holy cow it was heavy! I lugged it across the parking lot and then realized I wasnt sure I should even be carrying anything that heavy. Although not PUPO it was only 3 days since ER and my ovaries still felt sore. The guy at the front desk saw me struggling and asked if I needed help. I asked if he had a dolly and he came out with a wheelchair! How funny. I pulled into the waiting room on the 3rd floor looking like one of those crazy people who carry a doll in a stroller pretending its their baby! The guy in the waiting room looked at it and then at me and then back at the tank and then down. He smirked. ok, so yes, it was very amusing!
Once frosty was packed up we drove from clinic #1 to clinic #2. I probably drove the slowest I have in a while, for fear it would tip over and nitrace gas would fill up my car and frosty would defrost! We made it and the very kind embryologists had made sure someone was there to meet me and take care of my popsicle baby. was done. Safe. Now I could relax for a bit. Well sort of, now the worry if frosty would survive the thaw and if any of the others would make it to day 5. Geez, the worry of a mother starts even earlier with this process!