I had a major meltdown on Wednesday morning. I just off loaded everything on DH about how I am feeling... from doing more procedures, to adoption, to why I am still doing what I am doing. I talked about my feelings for him and ds and how I am sick of people saying I should just be grateful for what I have. OF COURSE I am grateful, probably more so than some people. It is because of them that I am doing all of this! And a whole crapload of other stuff I spewed off.
It felt good to get it out, and I said he didnt have to respond. Which he didnt. Men like to fix things and I knew that if he tried to respond it would backfire and not be good. So I got up and walked away after about 2 minutes of silence (Think he was taken aback a bit!). I went and got ready and we went to our WTF apt.
HOLY SHIT WTF is right!! well I love our RE, we both do. He has really had faith in us when others might not have (you are only as good as your highest fsh even if others are normal yadda yadda). He really had faith to do that last cycle. Anyway, I said he didnt have to come up with a reason why it didnt work...its science, and even with that you somtimes cant come up with the reason. He did say that he was pleasantly surprised with how the cycle went (which we were too).
So we skipped going over the cycle...seriously, i was there, I know what happened. We talked about frosty 2.0 and what we can do - We can go full guns blazing with meds (bcps, lupron, estrace and prog), there might have been an inbetween - maybe just doing estrace or maybe with lupron?, and the other end of the spectrum is to do the most laid back, no investment emotionally or physically and just follow my cycle, make sure lining is good, and put in frosty on day 5 after I Ovulate.
He said we could also talk about donor egg, and "also" he said "the other option is to just walk away"...
(sharp pain in my heart)
Then he dropped a bomb! He put his head in his hands and said "there is another option and I cant believe I am going to say this" (omg neither can I) ...then he looked at us and said "I know you guys want closure, we have talked about this before, but... with the way your cycle went this time, I would honestly be ok with doing another fresh..." WHAT?! I looked at him and shook my head (and kicked him under the table!) and said "I cant believe you just said that!"... dh laughed. holy frick! So I said well if I am going in full guns blazing to put one frostie in, I guess what is a few more meds and try and get some new ones out of it right? If we didnt have a good response he would cancel, we would have sex and we would still have a d5t with frosty.
my head was spinning! I really was so done and didnt want to do another fresh cycle. What to do!?!
Then aftewards dh and I sat in the car and talked (he had to go to work then anyway). We talked about all the options that he gave us and pretty much right away we agreed that donor egg isnt the way for us. If I am going to do another procedure I might as well do my own, as they wont mix frostie and de in the same cycle (its just not what my clinic does, and we respect that). We also feel that if we are going to spend the time and money no de/surrogate....so get this, DH then said he knows that he will love a baby no matter how it comes to us and so he is ready to move on to adoption. HOLY COW! dh and I talked about what we see in our future and I said that just thinking about going down that road, makes me relax a bit. I know its not an easy journey, but I am so tired and my body has been through enough. 2 d&cs, biopsy, 5 hysteroscopies, 1 in office hysto that ended in disaster, 4 IUIs and 5 fresh IVFs and a blighted ovum in a pear tree.
I know I probably have it in me to do another one, but I am not sure. I was mentally ready to be done. Its not that I dont think I can fight the fight anymore, but I think my goal at the end of having a larger family outweighs that they have to be my biological children. My family is so mixed of step family, half brothers, some adopted. It just seems to make sense. I honestly had that breakdown as I thought that we would never have the 'talk' and that dh never wanted to adopt. I was so surprised when he said hes ok and talked for a long time about what he wants, his fears and expectations. There is a bit of light.
So we do need to figure out what to do with frosty and if it involves a fresh cycle. I also need to work out how we move forward with the adoption process, but in the end, we have decided to do both at the same time. HOLY CRAP this is huge! I am so relieved and happy. But still have to decide what to do with frosty, so...