Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Hello Auntie Flo, Goodbye pretty lining

I had hoped for a couple of days that maybe they had tested me early, that the stupid test didnt know what it was talking about. Maybe there was a slow one in there who hadnt 'shown' up yet. Just maybe I could for this one time, put an end to this god-awful journey and find a happy light at the end of the dark tunnel. Well I knew she was on her way, a HPT and BETA showed she was coming and I could 'feel' her presence as she neared. Sunday, she arrived in full force. Just barged her way in, plopped down her crap and made like she was staying for a while! Well fine. Except, NO!!! my gorgeous lining, my 9, every time I went to the bathroom, was running literally down the toilet. I didnt even want to poop as fear of pushing more out. Day two continued the same way. Wow, it really had been a good lining. By now, I would have AF packing her bags to make a very slow departure. Day 3, she was starting to go. Good Ridance BIOTCH. sorry to anyone who is named Flo, but I seriously hate that name!

Its gone. All that work. Just gone.

Lucky for me I have been completely distracted since I cried my eyes out Thursday night with an event I am planning which is coming up this Friday. If it wasnt for that, it would have been a long weekend. The other weird thing to the pushing-into-the-back-of-the-mind kind of mourning of an IVF cycle is when you already have a child. When they called with my results, I was in the middle of a mean game of Battleship. What I wanted to do was to start screaming and crying and stomp my feet, a good old fashioned WTF temper tantrum. But instead, I wiped back tears, hid behind the separater of the game board and called out "M6." "miss" my son happily announced.

That night I then slipped into a glass of wine as my guilt of not being happy, washed over me. How could I not just be happy with what I have. That is the question I have been asked many times from friends and other people I have met. Who seem to understand what it is that I am seeking. More on that another time. Its not that I am NOT happy,...crap I am so unbelievably happy and feel so blessed for the miracle that is my child. I cant stand it when people assume that, just becuase I want another. Where they not happy with their first child when they wanted to have another? Ok this is my biggest issue with people not 'getting it' but its nothing I can change in anyone, so I just deal with it and smile and pretend I am not wanting to smack them for the thought that they could think that I, a person who prides themselves on be grateful for just being able to walk, could be so ungrateful for the beautiful family I already have.

Still hiding in the colourful shadows of my fun event planning. Dreading this weekend when its over and I will realize what just happened. But again, I have a family and need to move on. Put on a happy face!!

“It brings back emotions — how down we were. At the same time, there's happiness. There's some closure, because it's been a mystery.”  Don Payne

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