Tuesday, May 31, 2011

the one day wait

So here it is, finally...beta day! The final day of the 2ww, the longest day of them all. Sometimes its not a full day, but that you will never know until the dreaded call.

This morning I reluctantly went in for b/w. The woman taking my blood J said "so its the big day huh? did you cheat?" "yep" I replied. "was it good or bad?" she asked. Pretty much bad" i said. "well see how it goes" she said. Then we change the topic. I am sure she knew damn well that I was right in what I was thinking and believing to be the truth. But yes, I couldn't totally give up until I got the call with the results. And while part of me knew it hadn't worked, a small piece of me hoped so badly that it believed in miracles, that this worked and it would all be over and we would have our growing family just like that.

I went out to run errands late morning as they never call until the afternoon, so figured I needed to get some things done (aka waste some time). I was in the bank when my nurse called around noon (earliest ever!) but couldnt get to it so put her to VM (stupid!, but seriously was in the middle of something with the banker and didn't want to get back in line), but she didn't leave a message.
Not sure who I was feeling more sorry for today, me for hearing the news for the 6th time, or my nurse for having to deliver it! So I got McDonalds on the way home (bad I know, but needed some comfort food and my diet will start tomorrow), and I called when I got home, as service isn't always great near here. and of course she must have been at lunch, so I waited. I finally talked with her around 3pm. As expected BFN.

I am doing ok. I think that with all the POASing I have had time to digest. I really had mourned my journey a lot after the last cycle and really had started coming to terms with it being over (well until we realized we had to do something with another frosty). I think that I had hopes for that one being there for a reason and being 'the one' and also that our fresh single embaby made it to d5t was shocking and gave me some hope. But half of me thought it wouldn't work. isn't that what we all do automatically when we have invested so much of our being into something, especially as potentially emotionally rocky as this!

Either way, its still hard to go through this all over again. Its not just about this not working this time, its about the 7 yrs we have had to get here. Its about hearing this news over and over again. Its about how exhausted I am. I am going to be 40 in a month. I don't have a problem with being that age at all, except that I spent my entire 30s trying to build our family. I feel defeated as I am sure you all know just by the sheer inability to do something that is supposed to be so natural, and then not to be able to do it with the most advanced science available! We have a plan B, not that it will be cheap, and I know our family will grow and I am excited. I feel blessed with my life at this point, and know that I will be blessed again. I just need to get my energy up for that new chapter.

I reflected back to the sermon in church this past sunday which was about life and death and how mourning has no schedule...it happens when you are ready, or sometimes when you least expect it. At first I thought I was going to cry, and then I nearly burst out laughing! which wouldnt have been appropriate in church, right?

I am sure my wounds will heal, but I will always carry IF memories and scars with me even when we have created the family that we see in our future. I believe that all of us who have gone down this road will. Those scars are characted building! There are life lessons to be learned from this hellish train ride, but its ok to cry and scream about it at any time, even if your family is already here. We have the right to mourn at any time, there is no schedule.

I came home from taking ds to his swimming class and was greeted at the door with a "hi, how are you?! so?!" and a look of excitement and hope. I shook my head and dh bowed his. He gave me a hug and I poured myself a glass of wine.

Life will go on.

"Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to yourself, the most comforting words of all; this, too, shall pass." Ann Landers

Dumpster Diving!

(I wrote this last night and forgot to post...)

Hands up if you have ever gone back into the trash for a hpt hours after you peed on it?

Well I did it today. No I am not proud and not sure why or what I was thinking would be different. I mean it was definitely a bfn when I peed on it at 8am. But I suddenly had this desire to look at it again. Because maybe it had changed late?! and when I looked I thought I saw something, a really faint, broken, skinny line. Could it be? omg omg omg. I only had one stick left that I was planning on using tomorrow morning before beta, but I couldnt let this go and I had to go to the store anyway, so decided to buy another pack (sucker!). I did a bunch of errands and had waited as long as I could without peeing, so I really needed to go. I raced home, ran in the house, literally started opening the box while I was running upstairs (ignoring the weird look I got from dh and ds who were on the couch watching a game, I didnt care, my life was about to change forever!), and then held it some more while I took off the cap and got ready. ahhhhhhh, relief. I didnt wait, I watched. I watched for 5 minutes. Had a cry and thew the stick in the trash can. 

Really? Why did I see something on that earlier? could they both be wrong? I did buy a different brand. Maybe that isnt as sensitive? but it says 'even more sensitive' on the box! Maybe I didnt see anything on the other one. So I found that old stick from this mornig (yes I went dumpster diving twice today) and it was still there, really faint, but there. Then I googled and this is what I found - http://www.peeonastick.com/hptfaq.html#7
Its an evaporation line. Fan-friggin-tastic!
UGH. I was all fine to be done and know it was over, and then got my hopes up again. AARRHH this sucks, those sticks mess with your head!

I cant tell you how much money and time I have spent on pee-sticks. Some to see if I was about to ovulate and others were to see if I had infact beat the odds and got pregnant. I should have taken out stock in First Response or ClearBlue. It took me a couple of years into the ovulation sticks to realize they sold them in bulk at Costco, nice! I did them during four rounds of IUIs in 2005 and 2006, then after a failed pg in 2007.
I didnt really need them, I knew exactly when I was ovulating. But as I wasnt getting pregnant, maybe I didnt really know when the eggie was coming and still bought them anyway. 100s of dollars later, I still have a pack of half used ones in my cupboard from last year when we took a break from IVF to try naturally again. Not sure why I bought them or why I still have them, but they will become part of the decluttering of IF parafanalia that wll ensue tomorrow after I hear my beta results.

I also didnt know until I joined a fertility forum last year that you could buy pg tests online in bulk. Actually until I joined the forum it didnt dawn on me to 'cheat' before my beta on my previous 3 cycles. I had found a need to buy them on other oaccasions, when I could have sworn I was pg. but it proved nothing and Aunty Flo would always show up.  cycle 4 and 5 I only did it on the day of beta and I have to say it really helped soften the blow. It was still crappy to hear, as there was part of me that knew those sticks can be wrong, but it did dampen the sting slightly.
cyle 6 - my last (this one) I became a member of the POAS club. Not that it made it more fun, as they have all been bfn, it just made me realize sooner than tomorrow that it was over and to give up. The fall will not be as hard this time.

They are mean things, those pee sticks.
Sure they bring many people much joy. Hey, I had one turn positive in 2001 when we found out we were pg with ds. That seems so foreign now. I dont know that I know what that feels like. OMG, I might actually still have the stick, I should go look for it. Ok, that would be seriously insane, but I think it went into a memory box, which honestly I havent looked at since I was pg with him. Haha, that would be funny (nutcase!). Ok, I will go looking tomorrow. Hey maybe if I find it and it still says 'prenant' (yes I had to have one that said it!), I can look at that until my nurse calls to burst my bubble!

One time I waited to pee all afternoon, to really brew up strong urine (as you know that would make me pg, right?) and as I was about to pee on it, I dropped it in the toilet! OMG, are you f;ing kidding. Why didnt you grab another one you say? because it was the only one I had :)

I am sure you have had your own funny pee-stick stories, I would love to hear them!

off to pee on another stick. ggrrrr. Good night!

Sunday, May 29, 2011

think its over

BFN yesterday and today. Today should have been my beta, but I changed it due to it being a weekend and having to drive 2 hours round trip with ds (dh went to work early this am) just for b/w. Its 14dpo and 9dp5dt. So I am thinking its over.

Friday, May 27, 2011

a bfn for me and the Princess?

I realized that it wouldnt give me a BFP out of the gate, so I am ok with the fact that it hasnt shown up yet.
So I am irritated today by INTOUCH Weekly Magazine, random I know! They have on their most recent front page, a picture of the newly wed William and Kate and the headline reads "Will & Kate's Baby Heartbreak" subtitle says "Royal doctor confirms: she cant get pregnant."

So I ofcourse picked it up as I was intrigued. Not only is a 'princesses job to produce a blood heir' but as I read the article, I realized that  'William's step mother Camilla, has been telling a friend that "health complications from Kate's adolescence raised red flags that might have an impact on her ability to conceive."

WHAT? REALLY? you are going to tell the world she is infertile when she hasnt even probably started trying. I mean, the word is thrown around so lightly by people who dont get it. Am I the only one is annoyed by this? Of course I know alot more than the average person who hasnt been through this, but many people dont get the ins and outs of what has an effect and what doesnt. She could have never had any problems and found out she couldnt get pregnant. I just feel sorry for her. If its not going to be stressful enough to get pregnant to produce an 'heir' but now shes got the world thinking she cant do it anyway. I hope someone gives her some good advice if she has to go down this road, which I hope she doesnt. Wouldnt wish it upon anyone.

theres my rant. Thank you!

The article isnt online, I dont know if its from their May 30 issue, which obviously comes out in print a week early. I will keep looking.

“The management of fertility is one of the most important functions of adulthood.” Germaine Greer

POAS update

Wednesday I got some sticks and did it! it was a BFN :( but only 5dp5dt, so still early).
Thursday am - 6dp5dt - BFN. But I am wondering if you can call it a day past if its in the am and my ET was at 1pm?
So now its Friday - 7dp5dt and I am waiting for the stick to change. Well there is a horizontal line, but I will wait the 3 minutes to see if the other vertical line appears.

three minutes later....

BFN. Shit!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

2ww. Let the POASing begin!

I would not be lying if I said I just want this to be over. This will be my last monitored 2ww and I am thrilled. I know I should be more upbeat about it and hopeful that this time will work, but lets be honest people. Maybe 6th time will be the charm? hmmm...only time will tell. I have decided that I will be having a POAS-a-thon. and I will not be telling my husband as he will not approve! But I will tell my 'girls' as they are waiting for it :) So for my social media world friends...lets get this party started! Ok, maybe tomorrow, I dont have any sticks yet!

Friday, May 20, 2011

Call from the lab...heart dropped....and now its back up!

Friday - rollercoaster!

This moring I had a breakfast meeting and had my phone on mute. So imagine my horror when I saw a voice mail from the RE's office waiting for me, and they had said they would only call if the fresh didn't make it to day 5, and frostie didn't make it through thaw. My heart dropped. But, The message was from the lab director who sounded so excited and wanted me to know that our one egg which fertilized, made it to a 5 day blast. Holy shit!!

So after a quick lunch, shoving a prometrium tablet up my hoo ha in a pizza place bathroom, and popping a valium I was ready for my 5 day transfer! It was different than others. This was truly the last time I would grow through this. Even though this is obviously a big deal, it was the most matter-of-fact relaxed procedure I have had over the past 7 years. dh couldnt come, a friend brought me, but I was alone afterwards and just read a magazine. Then when my time was up, threw on my clothes, and now I am home on the couch watching tv and just trying to relax!

oh and I am PUPO with twins!!!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

tomorrow will I be PUPO???

This week has actually flown by. I thought it was going to go slowly, but have managed to stay busy as always, and now its the eve of my day 5 transfer... eeeee!

I have no idea what is waiting for me tomorrow morning. I wont know if the fresh embryo made it until they do it in the morning. They will only call if neither of them make it, but frostie will be fine, I know it!

Had so much bloat this week, but operation Gatorade has been underway and I have managed to lose my weight gain from this cycle! I have hardly pooped, but did today, and felt like a new woman. Then I realized my tongue and throat are sore, and hubby thinks I have thrush, sexy! I will ask them tomorrow if they can give me something for it. Never a dull moment!

nighty night. Grow embaby grow, mamas coming to get you tomorrow!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Only one good egg?

Well I was so excited that we got four eggs, and now feel defeated, again. Out of the four eggs they got, only one was mature. But luckily that one fertilized! So now I can hope and pray that it makes it to day 5. Grow baby grow!!!

ugh really? who am I kidding? what are the chances that it will go for 5 days?! The odds are against it.

“What is my loftiest ambition? I've always wanted to throw an egg at an electric fan.”  Oliver Herford  

Lead up to ER!

Its the day after egg retrieval, but I was in no mood to post this weekend, between my sons birthday party, no sleep, a raging headache, oh and egg retrieval. there wasnt much time!

So here is how the weekend went

Friday - I went in for b/w in the am. The runaway bunny was still there, holding at a 20. I had a 15 and a 12. Not really good under their IVF guidelines (need 4 over 15 on day of trigger), and they felt that we would lose that 20 if we risked waiting for others, so it was decided it was Trigger day. For what, I didnt know. It was either IVF for be switched to IUI. They called later and said considering I had a frozen one we were going to use too, they would let me go to IVF. Of course my trigger was at 12:15 am that night, with one last dose of Follistim earlier in the evening. Grow follies grow! Finally went to bed around 1am.

Saturday - my alarm was set for 6:30am, but ds was so excited about his party that day, that he was up with the birds at 6:15 and bouncing around. Yawn! We left at 7am, drove to the main clinic (about an hour away), got blood taken and drove home, somehow by 9:10am. Hubby had just arrived home from a night shift, and ds's friend had arrived for the day. I still needed to get balloons and stuff for the goody bags (aka plastic crap that kids love and parents hate). Nothing like last minute! It all went smoothly, arriving in time for the party at noon, the kids had a great time and I was in bed taking a nap by 4pm. zzzzz. still with headache in tow.

When I woke up ds had invited his friend to stay the night, so it was ofcourse a late night. Actually it would have been midnight - which was fine as I was guzzling my last fluids I would see for over 12 hours - but ds
discovered that his pet frog had died. So I let them watch some more tv and we were all asleep around 1am.

Sunday - 5am - I was woken up by my headache returning with avengence! Needless to say didnt sleep that well until 8am when we got up and got ready to leave. Shipped the tired kids off to the friends parents, and we were on our way! I got there and couldnt see anyone in the entrance office, but didnt realize they do weekend IVF check ins where they do blood - upstairs. And my headache had the better of me, and all I could think of was getting that IV and happy drugs so I could be relieved just for a bit. They called hubby and so I assumed they knew we were there. Then I saw the anethesiologist looking outside. Didnt realize he was looking for me. Needless to say we were now late! excellent. After apologizing, changing super fast, signing some paperwork (with a different name...that is a whole other story!), I was ready for my happy drugs. I soon woke up to find out they had managed to retrieve four eggs (2 more than expected)!! yay me! and best thing....no headache!
went home and napped, took a percocet that night and slept like a baby for the first time in nights.

and here we are, a gloomy Monday morning. Great day for a PJ day!

waiting waiting...and hoping for my eggies to behave!

"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother (Cinderella)

Saturday, May 14, 2011


I am posting late at night, so it says its Saturday...and yes it is. But I haven't gone to bed yet. I am waiting to do my Trigger shot! woo hoo, on my way to IVF ER...and its earlier than we thought, I only stimmed for 10 days and dont have many follies. Its a bummer, as I was hoping this one would be great! But what are you going to do. DH will be able to come with me, and this weekend is nutty with DS's birthday party tomorrow (today!) and I need to get up in 6 hours to drive an hour each way just to get b/w. Let the crazy begin!

night night

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


Well after some time away to think and rethink.... its all come to a final IVF fresh cycle. I cant believe all i have done to get here...

4 IUIs/clomid
1 blighted ovum
2 DNCs
5 hysteroscopies
5 IVFs

We will see what we get and use frosty 2.0 and do a 5dt regardless. This is it, the finale of this rediculousness!

I am hoping I can hold out for 10 days of stims, so that dh can be there for both ER and ET. But whatever is meant to be will be! Really, I mean it. I am so mentally in a different place this cycle. Its not that I dont care, its just that this is it. I am ready to be done, regardless of this outcome it will be over! I do care and so badly want my own baby, but the one lesson I have learned over the course of this is that I have no control. I feel blessed to have come to truly believe it. Its funny as I still dont fly well (control issues), but I am truly ok with knowing that nothing I do (well other than doing what my dr says) will change the outcome. So here goes!