Thursday, December 8, 2011

I'm Back!!! reflection and reaction

Wow I have just signed into my blog for the first time in 4 months and read the last post. Goodness, I didnt know that we had really moved that far along on our journey into the next chapter, but we really have.

Time to update, reflect and react...

So first let me say that we have really sunk ourselves into our adoption journey and I am so happy. I really didnt ever think that I would truly let go of that feeling of wanting my 'own' that was made up of dna from myself and DH...but I can honestly say I have. We have been blessed with a biological child, and I also know that half my family is not blood related and there are some non-blood relatives I am closer to than those of same blood. We have a family made up of many different ways and so for along time the idea of having a child not from my own uterus or even my own eggs was something I knew we would probably end up doing. But the constant trying and desire for my own baby wasnt really really about that, it wasnt about me HAVING to have a baby born from my own eggs was about my body not doing what it was supposed to; to bear children.

I wasnt a little girl who sat around thinking about a big white dress and prince charming (although I did end up with a fairtale wedding and an amazing husband), but when I was a teen, I wanted a baby. Yep, lucky for my mother I didnt follow through with that dream then, although I am sure if you asked her when I was 30 and getting married, she probably would have said 'just get pregnant, forget the wedding at this point' (dh and I were together 8 years before he proposed!). I knew from a young age that I wanted a family, a bunch of kids running around. Well, I wanted two, but that changed a few years ago to 3 or 4... as you always want what you dont have!
You dont grow up being told that it will be hard to get pregnant, and if I go by the fact that I got pg after a month of coming off the pill right after our wedding, I would still have a hard time believing that if someone had said it to my face. But the reality set in and it was hard. Very hard. It was hard to see that what had been so easy when I was 30 was now not the case. It was a struggle both physically and probably more so, mentally. It wasnt doing what it was supposed to do, what I had always thought it could do and I had SEEN it do! why?

They say things happen for a reason, and I am a huge proponent of that saying. But have you really thought about whether you just say it and believe it, or really believe it. When you are tested beyond any control that saying can have a whole new meaning. 

To be continued....

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