Saturday, June 4, 2011

The break up. Its me, not you.

Right before our 6th and last cycle we had to have a full blood work up done, I think for insurance, but who knows. Either way, my nurse had called before we started and said that everything was fine, but that my Vitamin D was really low; I was really deficient. This wasn't surprising as most people are in the northern hemisphere. So I was taking it twice daily throughout the cycle and supposed to continue now. I suppose a good excuse not to lather the sunscreen? Well no, I need to protect my skin. But did hear that 'they' are saying now that you need a certain amount of time in the sun each day, without sun screen, so you can soak up the vitamin D. This is also necessary for me as I have MS, and many people with MS are now being tested and treated with Vitamin D supplements. So my nurse said that I was to take it through the cycle and keep taking it past the pg test and they would retest me in mid June. I kept thinking, oh I will do it when I go in for my ultrasound at 6-7 weeks, yay!

Well beta has been and gone. So when she called to give me the negative beta results I asked about the vitamin D testing and she said that I could get it done at my primary care and she would email me the paperwork. Don't worry, she was very sorry for our results and did sound genuinely upset for us (she and everyone else at our clinic is amazing, with great bedside manner and have seemed to want this for us as much as we have).
But even so, it was over.

So just like that, we were done. No hugs goodbye. Our RE did text and say we could call him to talk anytime, which was so sweet. But I did still feel like I was the recipient of a sneaky break up. I wasnt ready to say goodbye. I didn't see it coming and yet, it wasn't done in a nasty manner, just done. And now I couldn't go and say I wanted to come back, that I really did think it could work, that my crappy ovaries could pull out one more cycle and that maybe this would be the one. That we just had it in us for more. But did we? no. Nope, this was the end. They hadn't done anything to make this end, it was me. All me and my crappy eggs and lining. All my fault that we wouldn't see each other any more, and that I wouldn't go in and get a welcoming 'hi' from all who were sitting behind the front desk, as they knew me so well. No, I wouldn't get that anymoe. Someone else would come in and take over. She would become chatty with the girls taking the blood, would laugh with the lovely ladies in the other office when I went for ER and ET. Yep I would be a distant memory, like the girlfriend from years ago.

Just like that we were done, finit.

"We made a lot of progress, but it was time to let someone else pick up from where I left off." John Pavlik.

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