my weird bodily ecosystem (aka my uterus) wants to tell me something

So this morning I went in for my saline-sonogram. DH was meeting me there from work, so my sweet friend took me to the appointment, so I could chat and relax, and pop a pill! I took 800mg of Motrin as told an hour before the apt. I also had the good fortune of finding one single tablet of Adivan (left over from my transfer in April). date to discard wasnt until April 2011, so it was still good.
When I got there, I had to give a urine sample (for pregnancy test....aha haha...still makes me laugh each time, but oh well, give em what they want, right?). I couldnt do it! I had peed before I left the house 25 mins ealier but had been drinking my tea, and I still couldnt go. So I tried three times and finally (after sitting with my hand under running water) got enough dribble for them to stick the pg test stick into it. The nurse said 'dont worry about it, it was plenty!" so I said "just enough to get a no!"...hahah...nervous laugh quietly fades to silence.

well as they all do, it sucked! I just hate the balloon being blown up, feels like someone just took my uterus threw in some pins, and trying to ring it out like a wet towel! It was ok though. DH was there to hold my hand and I just took some deep breaths. It was fine until she said 'whats that?'....so of course there is something floating around! DH was annoyed that the machine couldnt show blood flo, as some machines can....to see if its scaring, or maybe tissue got kicked off when the cath went in. I am not sure that would change me having to have it taken out, but either way, we need it out. Then I lost it as I knew what was coming next...another frickin hysteroscopy. The last one we tried first in the office and I almost kicked my RE in the head. I only missed because I was on percacet, adivan and something else! I ended up having it done in the hospital. So she knew thats why I was upset. She said it will be done at the hospital again this time.

I have been feeling kicked in the gut all day, and trying to find that inner strength to dust myself off and get on with it. I have been feeling like this all week, so today just tipped the scale.

So now I am back in my office working, and just waiting to hear from the nurse, if he can do it tomorrow or if I should start BCPs and we will try for next week or two weeks after that (as I have my reunion). Crap! I really didnt plan it into my week, but also dont want to push back my cycle too far. I am not sure if we do it tomorrow, if I will just continue as is on this cycle ....starting estrace on the 13th. I guess I will find out later. It feels like a jammy day...dark, windy, rain...want to go to bed!

“The rocky road to recovery has some potholes.” Ned Riley

tryin to fix my cracked eggs

I wish there was a way to look inside all the follicles or eggs that are in my body and just select the ones that are good. Are there any good eggs? I feel like they are like the ones that get left at the grocery store, the batch in the box that are looking more speckled, a bit cracked and just not as 'good.'

But unlike our naked eye in the supermarket, science isnt that good. But it is still amazing, to request that eggs get stimulated to grow and to be as good as they can be, and that there are more than usual (stimulation in IVF or IUI) and then its really survival of the fittest once the eggs get introduced to the sperm in the petri dish (IVF).  I was unaware until I went to see my now RE that I had actually had one 'bad' FSH a couple of years ago. It was documented by my old clinic, although noone told me. So imagine my surprise when I went into see this new dr thinking that my lining was the issue and for some reason we couldnt make good embryos...only to find out it was probably because my FSH was high. WHAT? usually that means that someone is pre-menopausal right? well my ovaries still looked like they were working, consistently providing a couple of quiet follicles on each side on a regular mentrual cycle. So what the hell? He was still hanging his hat on it, so I guess we have to pay attention to it.

What is FSH ?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Follicle-stimulating_hormone

Since going to my new clinic a year ago, my RE has had me taking three supplements...DHEA, Trental and Vitamin E. These are used together to hopefully increase eggs quality and quantity as well as the quality of my poor beaten lining.

here is some general info I found on DHEA - http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/natural/331.html

related to infertility - http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/07/100701145535.htm

Who knows if this is actually doing something, but I am hopeful that trying something different will ultimately help us achieve what it is that we seek. As he said its 'out of the box' but then again so am I...nothing is as its supposed to be on this journey! We are just trying to move forward on this jouney, being proactive and taking responsibility for our actions.

“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.”  Bob Moawad

saline and insurance!

b/w today...just found out I need a saline sono on thursday...yay (enter sarcasm here).

So earlier this summer I had a biopsy done of my uterus. It was to check for the 'receptors' to see if I could actually 'receive' the embryo so to speak. It was a pretty quick exam, where they go through the cervix with tiny snippers and take a couple of pieces of the lining which then goes off to the lab for a few weeks. Well mine came back with everything a-ok! So we are thinking of doing another cycle, yippee!!

The other good news is that hubby's work for some reason switched insurance, so we have found out that we have two more IVF cycles covered. Whoa! I dont know if this is cooincidence, or if the Universe is trying to tell us something. We are like the little engine that could...keep on going.

So I need to get new testing done, such as the saline sono. Atleast it isnt the hystosalpingogram....which is AWFUL! Sorry, dont mean to scare anyone who hasnt had this test and needs to get it done. I think my situation might be slightly different. So when we were realizing that my periods hadnt really come back since ttc #2 for a couple of months off the pill (actually on the pill they were incredibly light and short too), I went to see a gyn who suggested this test to see if there was any scaring, possibly as a result of my d&c after I had ds two years prior.

I was nice and fuzzy from a valium, and had to lay on this metal table at the hospital. He put the speculum in which was fine, but then attached this thing called a tenaculum, holy hellfire that hurt! That is a little instrument that holds the cervix still (didnt know it moved around ha ha!). Then he tried to insert the catheter, but it wouldnt go in, so he gave me some medicine that made me dialiate. Whoa!! HELLO!  This didnt get us anywhere but led me to my first hysteroscopy which found scaring all over including on top of the cervix, hence not being able to get in....it was like Fort Knox!
a year later when I still wasnt preggers, we re-did the test. Not quite as dramatic getting in, but once in they blow up a baloon to hold the uterus open and then squirt a die into teh catheter. They watch on ultrasound and made me move side to side to get it to go through my tubes. Really not fun but I guess a good test for seeing whats going on in there, especially the tubes.
Luckily the saline sono is just water and definitely not as dramatic!

IN regards to insurance, we feel so unbelievably blessed to keep having these opportunities. Its not to say its free, I have spent hundreds and thousands in co-pays for surgeries, procedures and meds, but its nothing like what others are paying. Its nuts. We live in a state that mandates IF coverage be given is possible and proven necessary. Here is a really nice grid of state laws in regards to IF insurance....

http://www.ncsl.org/default.aspx?tabid=14391

I wish there was a way for others to get as much coverage. I know there are groups out there that have grants and scholarships for people wanting help to pay for such things.

There are some listed in this website:

http://www.whatcausesinfertility.com/steps-to-secure-grants-for-infertility-treatment

CD1...Aunty Flo came to visit today. Hate her!

No matter how many times I get my period....since TTC#2 that is about 72 times, each "day 1" or CD1 still comes and kicks you right between the eyes. I dont know why I still look at my undies in complete and utter disbelief that "SHE" is here...Aunt Flo. Biatch. Sick of her. She is that annoying family member that just shows up and stays when you dont want her to. I didnt even invite her, infact I sent her a note saying 'please for goodness sake DO NOT COME' but still she shows her ugly self.

How do I get her off the invite list? Uh, maybe my eggs could cooperate and help me out with this, please?



"Precisely what menstruation is, is not yet very well known." Granville Stanley Hall

 

thoughts and prayers

Ok, so the mental challenge of the weekend is to think I dont have a problem with my back and the pain should go away...well that is per Dr Whats-his-name who wrote the book I am reading. Maybe that will work for getting pregnant? I have literally tried everthing over the past 6 years to TTC#2, so positive thinking is my last ditch effort. I try to talk to the 'universe' atleast once a day, and do pray to God too...although I am so on and off with him, as I havent been to church in so long that I feel I dont have the right to ask him for favours. Well, we are going tomorrow, so maybe then I can. Yep I am always talking to 'someone' out there. I am the wacky lady in the car talking to herself at the light, although these days most people do that as they are 'hands free' on the phone. So I can blend my wackyness in nicely ;)

One day I was having one of my talks and DS said "Mum, you are doing it again"..."what I said" almost annoyed that I had been caught jabbering away infront of my elementary school-aged-child. "You are doing that 'please just this time could ya throw me a frickin bone' thing! Oh Crap...bad word,. ugh, double crap.

Positive thinking and knowing that the universe (and God) isnt against us is a hard lesson learned on this infertile road. I guess its hard on any road as we pass and fail the tests that are given to us. Joking aside I do take my thoughts and prayers seriously and know that God is listening. He might not be doing what I ask...but maybe what I think is best, is not what he thinks is best. But back to positive thinking. When you smile at someone they often smile back (probably more often than not). Try it sometime!
Off to garden, I need to be one with some dirt. Getting back to the earth is supposed to be good for fertility. Someone said that somewhere.

dont forget to breathe

I have had a bad back for as long as I can remember. I fractured my lower back in college (gymnastics as a young girl and then rowing freshman year in college...the two things together are the cause apparently), and now more recently two herneated disks in my neck (probably due to the little monkey that used to swing from my neck before he was too big for me to pick up). I was happy when a book I ordered "Healing Back Pain: The Mind-Body Connection" arrived in the mail yesterday. I was also happy to read this article about breathing....http://tinyurl.com/3xlva3q   Breathing to calm the nervous system, which is really the root of our insides. I need to remember to breathe. Well of course I do inhale and exhale every few seconds, but I need to be more aware of the each one. This is apparently a great determination of stress level....how we take in stress, how we deal with it, and how we spit it out, if at all. I love doing a deep yoga breath and feel present, but have to work on it and remind myself. I guess I should pat myself on the back for remembering now and then. I also wonder whether this has anything to do with my fertility challenges, and the other stuff (crappy linging and aging eggs) are just a product of that strees? Breathe. Relax. Ha ha, easier said than done. When you are gunning it to the finish line, and so are your ovaries, you dont really have time to stop and breath.  Read this article on stress and infertility: http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/features/infertility-stress.

To do for today - figure out how to live stress-free. Riiiight.



When the breath wanders the mind also is unsteady.  But when the breath is calmed the mind too will be still, and the yogi achieves long life.  Therefore, one should learn to control the breath.  ~Svatmarama, Hatha Yoga Pradipika

sex before the 2 ww

I have gone back to basics. yup, after about 72 2WWs (two week wait) of which 4 were from IUI and 4 were from IVF, I am just trying (again) to do this naturally. I didnt pee on a stick to make sure I had ovulated, I didnt check my temp, I am not taking some sort of medication (well yes, I guess you could say I am ...more on that later), but we are going back to the good old fashioned way that normal people do it - HAVING SEX!  So now here I am...after days of 'procreation sex' (yes there is a difference), its now the beginning of the two week wait. 14 days when you react to every twinge in your body, wonder if its possible, stress over why its not, and a million other stupid thoughts that we really have no control over.

The reason that I am feeling energized about this 2ww is that my last cycle was 30 days. So? you ask. Well, before I had my son (who is now 8) I had two 30 day cycles. Lets take a step back....I came off the pill to get pregnant in August 2001. Hubby and I had just been married and on a glorious 2 week (ha there it is again!) honeymoon to Italy. So we thought 'lets have a baby.'  I actually thought to myself that it wouldnt happen right away (not so naive i guess), as we had friends who had taken months to get pregnant. I was also taking medication for MS (I have multiple sclerosis) that was determind 'not good' to take while pregnant. So after coming off the pill I had a 30 day cycle. Then in the next cycle I came off my 'not good' meds and was tracking my temperature for basal body temp. Wow, that seems to so simple and pre-historic now!  Then sure enough...I ovulated on day 16 (which would have meant a 30 day cycle) and BAM...preggers. Holy cow, we couldnt believe our luck. I must be fertile mertile hahahah!

So after having our son in May 2002 we made a decision not to try (literally went back on birth control pills as i was back on my 'not good' meds). My hubby was in school and I was self employed with an infant. So we agreed that when he was finished and our child was 2 we would try again. So May 2004 came and I came off all meds. My cycles went from the 28 days the pills had determined down to 24. huh?

Over the past 6 years of trying, my cycle has extended from 24 to 25 days and maybe only once got to 26. So needless to say I was shocked when last month Aunt Flo waited 30 days before coming for another visit. Could it be that my body was readjusting after all this time? Although in all honesty I was more shocked that I wasnt pregnant. Not sure why?!

So here I am. Its hopefully my 2nd 30 day- and lucky cycle!

Back to sex. I think we can all agree that procreation sex is just not the same as regular sex. Of course if you want to have a family then, yes, you are having procreation sex...and I guess that could still be fun. I guess I should say Infertile Sex...that isnt fun. You almost put more into it, thinking that 'this will be the one' but knowing deep down that the time you have put in before, no matter how creative or how long you lay there with your hips up in the air...it just aint gonna happen.  Its sad, as a relationship that was full of passion and untimed sex, can become so monotonous when you know that both of you (well the woman atleast) is thinking about nothing other than how quickly those spermies can swim up, and is an egg already waiting. Will they like each other? Will the sperm know what to do? Will a stupid sperm get there before a smart handsome one?...oh sorry honey, but I am sure they are not all created equal. There are so many things to think about when you have this much time to do so. I dont even know if some IFs really care about sex after a while. We have tried the 'get drunk and do it' but that doesnt seem to work either. And, if I hear one more person say "well just get drunk, thats what we did and look at us" (with their bus load of kids), I am going to smack someone! There must be a way to go back to basics and not think about 'that' while you are doing 'it.'

saw this proverb and laughed...maybe we are going to bed too late!

"It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins."  ~Chinese Proverb

Hello blogosphere!

Wow, hello to the blogosphere! I am here, I have finally decided to join the blogging world to tell my story, and writing helps clear the mind, so sounded like a good idea.

I have had six years of ups and downs in the land of Fertility and none of it has made much sense. I have changed as a person both inside and out, and even though the day to day changes that I can see dont always seem to be for the better, I feel that overall my growth as a person throughout this process is unmatched to that of any other time in my life. I dont feel blessed to have walked this path in order to get to the end result, but I definitely feel blessed to have met the people I have met because of it and also to have learned values in life and to see how strong my inner core really is.  So I guess I should take that back, I do feel blessed!

I am not sure that most people ever have a chance to be tested quite this way, the way people are when  they desire something so much that isnt changed by attitude, effort or even money.

Last year I realized I had alot to share, alot of insight and alot of writing I had done along the way. In searching what to do with that writing, it was recently suggested that I write a blog. Me, have a blog? hmm...that would mean telling people about my thoughts and secrets, and also what on earth would make people interested in my overly played with uterus and not so great quality eggs. The answer to that question came from the same person who suggested the blog. "Well if you are so interested in what others have gone through, then they might be in you too." 

So, welcome to my journey; thanks for listening!

M.J.