Can somone knock me upside the head....this is NOT the month.

Monday morning.... need to movitate!

We had our annual holiday party this weekend, which was LOTS of fun as usual! We had delish food and drinks and many new people this year. We collect toys to take to our town social services group, so I will deliver them with my son today; they will be happy.

With all the excitement of the weekend and lead up to the party, I almost missed a visitor. Aunty Flo came for a visit. She barged in with all her force, but didnt stay long. So thats fine. I would be lying if I said I was ok with it and not surprised. I felt sure if ever there was a month it would happen...this would be it. I guess look on the bright side, get to enjoy the holiday season with some drinks and then January is a new year!

I told DH that if I am not pg by my 40th bday in July, that I want a puppy (he is not a fan of dogs!).

All I want for Christmas....

Well Christmas is almost here...and I am welcoming it earlier this year and so excited for it. This year is, well...lets just say, I feel like the hype of 2010 was not that shocking. I entered with low expectations, and will be leaving it with the same feeling. I do however have bigger expectations for 2011 and will party my way towards it from now until then!

All I want for Christmas.... Well its the same thing I have wanted for the past 7 of them! a BABY, is that too hard to ask for. A puppy is fine too :)

We are having our annual holiday party, early this year. We have everyone bring a toy and we donate them to our local social services, so that kids in our community recieve them directly. THis will be our 12th year doing it, and its always a GREAT time! Last year we had to kick the die hards out at 2am! (hey, thats late for us nowadays!).

“Heap on more wood! the wind is chill; But let it whistle as it will, We'll keep our Christmas merry still.”  Sir Walter Scott

a time for thanks

Facebook is inundated with comments about posting what you are thankful for at this time of year. I know its a good reminder, but wish people would be more thankful on an every day basis...myself included. This is a hard concept in our society...to just be happy with what we have, and not to be upset about what we dont have. I have worked so hard this past year on that with regards to my IF.

I am so grateful for my beautiful son, who I naively conceived with no trouble; I am so grateful for my girls on my chat board who have supported me every step of the way this year; for my friends and sister who are patient with not asking me every detail, yet listening when I want to share. I am so grateful for my dear husband who wants me to be pregnant as he knows it would make me happy, and he's in the 'field' so wants me to come through the office for that reason not to bring ds to visit Dad. I am thankful for Dr H our RE for having hope when honestly the chances are slim. I hope you all have a Happy Thankgiving. Look around...there is probably lots to be thankful for!

“He who thanks but with the lips Thanks but in part; The full, the true Thanksgiving Comes from the heart” – Author Unknown

a new phase and a happy 2011?

Well the sono went better than any other. Of course slightly uncomfortable, but definitely not as bad as other times, which is great! The valium helped (and its usually that is the first thing to go out the window with these things), and I said a prayer to god, the universe, and anyone who was listening. Did some meditation, and my hubby talked to my lining, ha ha! Then it was time for a date with the dildo-cam, as well as a catheter being pushed through my cervix. Just another Wednesday morning. (I really think Wednesday is becoming the new Monday).

So my lining was a 6.5, woo hoo, thats awesome for me!! (i know pathetic on most people's scale), the shape looked great (ooh la la!), and....drum roll please, I have two follies (16 and 18) on my left side. Now if they can just hold out and grow a little more and pop on day 14 instead of today, we might have something to talk about! Baby dance going on over here :)

So its a go people, IVF #5 will commence after the holidays (cant fit it in now before lab closes for xmas), and its crazy times for us between now and mid Jan. So all is well. Hoping for a brilliant 2011!!!

come on uterus, show us some beauty!

sweaty palms...off to have my saline sono. and off to find that valium...

A fathers story

So much of this journey is from our eyes...the mother (to be), and the guys just seem to sit on the side lines. We want them to try to understand and they try, but how can they truly know. But they do go through their own journey and we need to listen to them too. I just read this wonderful story on Oprah.com that I wanted to share.

A Father's Story: Mourning the Baby We Never Had

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Men-and-Miscarriage-Mourning-After-Losing-a-Baby


"Thirteen weeks later, we see the color flee from the face of our ob-gyn, and he tells us that this being was not meant to be." Allan Wallach

anyone got a Magic 8 ball? ...that works?

wow. has been so long. Had a crazy thinking session in the shower today...that we should hold off on another cycle and just put in our frozen emby and be done with it. Its sitting doing nothing, but getting frost bite! Hmmm. Will the next cycle be 'the one'? is the frozen one 'the one' who knows. Ugh, wish I had a magic 8 ball that really worked. Mine is cracked.

“Today of all days I should have brought in my Magic 8 ball.”  John Paul

watching a birth changed my outlook and my mind

Wow what a busy week! And its funny how I have come full circle in just a few days. On Thursday, I was hanging out with one of my bffs who was basically in labour. We were having a long chat about my stuff (in between her contractions), and I was saying that I am coming more and more to terms with the fact that I may only have one child....and that I am actually starting to feel ok with that. I know its weird. Maybe I am just exhausted. One thing I did not see happening on this journey....was the 'desire' subsiding. Its not that I am giving up; no, I am just really starting to appreciate and really believe that whatever is meant to be, will be.  I dont think most people are tested to see if its really what they believe and feel amazed at myself that I can actually truly, with the deepest seed of my heart, believe it.

We had a fun afternoon of walking her around and pausing for each contraction. I thought at one point 'do I really want to go through this again anyway?!' I stopped to get her a glass of sangria (I know I am not the best labour buddy, but she seems to think I am!) - dont worry, she only drank a few sips but it relaxed her.

That night I got the call at 1am to come to the hospital. With one hour of sleep under my belt, I scrambled to put on clothes, grabbed my purse and keys (I had my camera and stuff already in the car, as I knew it was going to be a middle-of-the-night excursion), and drove down to the hospital. Soon after I arrived she got her epidural and I made her go to sleep. I spent some time with her hubby and then made him take a nap. I decided to cozy up on a chair, and grabbed a blanket off the floor. Yeah, one thing to know, if something is on the floor in a delivery room, its probably becuase its been used for something! I pulled it up to me and said 'why is this wet?'....she burst out 'oh my god, that must have been on the bed when she broke my water!'....that blanket went flying across the room and sent me flying into the bathroom to wash my hands. YUCK! we were laughing hysterically. We calmed down and tried to sleep, and then soon it was time to push. I promised her I would stay 'north of the border' as she says and would only take non-offensive pictures. Well that changed once the baby's head began to emerge and I followed the process behind the lense. Two things I have to say....I have such admiration to my friend and any woman who has pushed out a baby (myself included), that is hard work! it was amazing! and also, I have changed my mind, I want another one! I want to go through that and give my husband the joy of cutting the cord and feeling the shear relief that the boulder between your hips is now out and crying and being suctioned and put on my breast. Yes, it changed me, it changed my mind.

“To witness the birth of a child is our best opportunity to experience the meaning of the word miracle.” - Paul Carvel

Are you done judging that book?

I have had such a wonderful time lately connecting with old friends...seems to be happening all at once. Met an old friend who is adopting a baby and then have met many with kids, some with 4. But I realized that as much as they dont know about my journey, I dont know about theirs. I dont know how they came to have those 4 kids. They didnt shake my hand or give me a hug and say...Hi, nice to see you, I have 4 kids, all from IVF!" So I dont judge and try to remember that noone knows whats going on behind closed doors. Ok, so there is a good possibility when someone asks me "arent you having any more" that they probably havent traveled down this same lonely road...as they would know the code of conduct. Or atleast I hope so.
There was an article this week in the Washington Post about how Facebook is having a hard affect on people going through infertility, and I think it definitely is hard. But I have a friend who has only gloated about her kids, and yet probably most of the people who follow her on FB have no idea how she came to be a mother of two. So again, I dont judge those people.

I am trying to have an open mind about not only others, but also myself. Its harder to be open about yourself than it is about others. We have expectations of what we should do, where and how we fit in. We live in a society that tells us we need to know these things. We cant just float around willy nilly not knowing where we are going to end up. Well, i have had enough, I want to float around like a feather in the wind. Not knowing might be nice. I mean do I really know anythign? No! Do any of us? No! We just hope that it turns out the way we expect it to. So for now, I am taking a step back. I am going to try to work on being grateful on what I have and not beat myself up for what I dont have. I am going to try and be as open minded about myself as I am about others. We dont know, truly dont know... so dont even try to judge the book by the cover. You cant really judge it until you have read it and lived it cover to cover.

“I can speak of my own criterion for judging whether or not a book is good or bad. I ask of it a single question, From how deep and true an impulse did it spring? Was it written merely to shock? Only to make money? Or was it written to create something.”  Lawrence Clark Powell

Reconnecting with old and new friends is good for the soul

Its been a week since I have posted and was a week of fun and forgetting. I had my 20th year reunion, so we traveled for a few days for that, which was lots of fun. To catch up with people and see what they had been up to all this time was excellent! Ok, so of course the question of what do you do, married, with kids? all came up. Follow up questions of 'what no more?' also followed. I have become a pro at my response, which invariably changes, but was met with such compassion...even though I never said 'it' those who had been my friends for a reason met me with compassion and knowing. One friend announced that he is in the middle of adopting a baby and I told him I would keep everything crossed that it all goes smoothly.

Meanwhile, my body is somehow conforming to us deciding 2 days after the hysto that CD1 was in effect. I think I am ovulating right now. This morning hubby woke up a little early and we 'danced' which was lovely and I tried with all my might not to count in my head. Every time it popped back in "saturday was day 1...." my other voice would say 'let it go.' I am proud that I havent actually counted on my fingers as I do every month, even though...lets face it...I sort of know where I am; I'm not stupid.

I have recently met a new friend who is also traveling downt his journey. What fun that was, to have someone who just gets it! xox
Today, I am off to enjoy meeting a new friend this morning and a massage this afternoon. Some work inbetween and a little bit of throwing out....in an effort to de-clutter my house and my spirit.

What a difference a couple of weeks makes!

“Nothing is more important than reconnecting with your bliss. Nothing is as rich. Nothing is more real.”  Deepak Chopra

chipped

My head has been in a bad place the past few days. The drama continued and it took another chip in my stone exterior. I have been through worse, but its each drama that chips away and makes me more vulnerable. Its getting harder to keep a strong case when the armour I put up it almost wore down.

“These look like hard outer shells on some parts of some outcrops, and they’re darker and a little redder than the rock that they encrust.”  Steve Squyres

drama queen that is my Uterus!

Ugh, the f;ing drama of my uterus continues.

I had the hysteroscopy yesterday. Took some adivan and valium on the way (sounding like a druggie now, but seriously you have to get through it somehow), and felt great when I got there (almost walked sideways to the door!). Then got all prepped and went in. Next thing I am out and its done. Or so I thought.... I had to have DH repeat it all to me last night when he got home from work, as I couldnt believe in my post-sedated state that I heard correctly. So it seems that Dr H went in and got the little piece of scar tissue out (it was scar tissue, so I am glad we did it as it woudlnt have come out with AF). Then he went looking around for diagnostics. Well, he came across a large patch of scaring at the top of my uterus (I told you it has its own life force in there), which was almost like a portion of the top (between the tubes) had been pinched in to form a bit hanging down. So he cut at it to losen and basically took it all off.

So now I wait for AF, THEN he wants to re-do the saline sono or he will just re-do the hysteroscopy. HOLY CRAP. do you know how long all of that is going to take? I probably wont get AF for another two weeks (as I am mid-cycle and only on BCPs for 5 days), then its another 3-4....so basically 6 weeks?

Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock.....

The other thing that happened was I got really bloated yesterday and by the time I went to bed my tummy was killing me (I had gained 12lbs over the course of the day!), so thought if it hadnt gone in the AM (I was back to only 7lbs over my normal weight this am), that I would call. So I went in this afternoon and one of the REs confirmed that I have lots of fluid so its probably just going everywhere, and the pain (which feels like I pulled all muscles in my tummy) is from everything stretching out. I had a minor break down in the room. She said 'whats wrong' and I said 'its just one of those days, its ok, its nothing' and she said 'its ok, tell us about your day' Really? You really want me to tell you about my day. Ok, here goes. so I said 'well it started when I went to take my cat to the vet for what I thought was a urinary tract infection and he peed all over me when I was putting him in the carrier' and then... She said 'oh its hard to have a sick pet'...and what i thought was 'you idiot, its not about the frickin cat...its just that its been 6 years of this crap and I am so tired of it, and I just want to go back to my life and have a bit of simple for once.'

So I am just having a down week. I feel another piece of me chipped away and not sure I can do much more. I cant believe I just create scar tissue the way I do, and wonder if this is just a sign to quit.


nothing.

in limbo

Today was not a good day...in limbo. Why is it that I feel that we are moving forward and then BAM I get hit with another obstacle. hmpf.

Found this quote. Wish I could just drop the past 6. Well, thats not entirely true, I have had some lovely moments. meeting new friends, seeing my husband graduate his training and enter the working world, and all of the amazing acheivements of our son who is now 8. Yes, those I would not change. But these 6 years of IF God can take. But I guess then I wouldnt have met the people I have met along this journey. Well, I get it now, have learned lessons, met some amazing people and feel more complete. Arent I ready now?

 “Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.”   Brooks Atkinson

snip snip

Hysteroscopy it is! Scheduled for later this week.

my weird bodily ecosystem (aka my uterus) wants to tell me something

So this morning I went in for my saline-sonogram. DH was meeting me there from work, so my sweet friend took me to the appointment, so I could chat and relax, and pop a pill! I took 800mg of Motrin as told an hour before the apt. I also had the good fortune of finding one single tablet of Adivan (left over from my transfer in April). date to discard wasnt until April 2011, so it was still good.
When I got there, I had to give a urine sample (for pregnancy test....aha haha...still makes me laugh each time, but oh well, give em what they want, right?). I couldnt do it! I had peed before I left the house 25 mins ealier but had been drinking my tea, and I still couldnt go. So I tried three times and finally (after sitting with my hand under running water) got enough dribble for them to stick the pg test stick into it. The nurse said 'dont worry about it, it was plenty!" so I said "just enough to get a no!"...hahah...nervous laugh quietly fades to silence.

well as they all do, it sucked! I just hate the balloon being blown up, feels like someone just took my uterus threw in some pins, and trying to ring it out like a wet towel! It was ok though. DH was there to hold my hand and I just took some deep breaths. It was fine until she said 'whats that?'....so of course there is something floating around! DH was annoyed that the machine couldnt show blood flo, as some machines can....to see if its scaring, or maybe tissue got kicked off when the cath went in. I am not sure that would change me having to have it taken out, but either way, we need it out. Then I lost it as I knew what was coming next...another frickin hysteroscopy. The last one we tried first in the office and I almost kicked my RE in the head. I only missed because I was on percacet, adivan and something else! I ended up having it done in the hospital. So she knew thats why I was upset. She said it will be done at the hospital again this time.

I have been feeling kicked in the gut all day, and trying to find that inner strength to dust myself off and get on with it. I have been feeling like this all week, so today just tipped the scale.

So now I am back in my office working, and just waiting to hear from the nurse, if he can do it tomorrow or if I should start BCPs and we will try for next week or two weeks after that (as I have my reunion). Crap! I really didnt plan it into my week, but also dont want to push back my cycle too far. I am not sure if we do it tomorrow, if I will just continue as is on this cycle ....starting estrace on the 13th. I guess I will find out later. It feels like a jammy day...dark, windy, rain...want to go to bed!

“The rocky road to recovery has some potholes.” Ned Riley

tryin to fix my cracked eggs

I wish there was a way to look inside all the follicles or eggs that are in my body and just select the ones that are good. Are there any good eggs? I feel like they are like the ones that get left at the grocery store, the batch in the box that are looking more speckled, a bit cracked and just not as 'good.'

But unlike our naked eye in the supermarket, science isnt that good. But it is still amazing, to request that eggs get stimulated to grow and to be as good as they can be, and that there are more than usual (stimulation in IVF or IUI) and then its really survival of the fittest once the eggs get introduced to the sperm in the petri dish (IVF).  I was unaware until I went to see my now RE that I had actually had one 'bad' FSH a couple of years ago. It was documented by my old clinic, although noone told me. So imagine my surprise when I went into see this new dr thinking that my lining was the issue and for some reason we couldnt make good embryos...only to find out it was probably because my FSH was high. WHAT? usually that means that someone is pre-menopausal right? well my ovaries still looked like they were working, consistently providing a couple of quiet follicles on each side on a regular mentrual cycle. So what the hell? He was still hanging his hat on it, so I guess we have to pay attention to it.

What is FSH ?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Follicle-stimulating_hormone

Since going to my new clinic a year ago, my RE has had me taking three supplements...DHEA, Trental and Vitamin E. These are used together to hopefully increase eggs quality and quantity as well as the quality of my poor beaten lining.

here is some general info I found on DHEA - http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/natural/331.html

related to infertility - http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/07/100701145535.htm

Who knows if this is actually doing something, but I am hopeful that trying something different will ultimately help us achieve what it is that we seek. As he said its 'out of the box' but then again so am I...nothing is as its supposed to be on this journey! We are just trying to move forward on this jouney, being proactive and taking responsibility for our actions.

“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.”  Bob Moawad

saline and insurance!

b/w today...just found out I need a saline sono on thursday...yay (enter sarcasm here).

So earlier this summer I had a biopsy done of my uterus. It was to check for the 'receptors' to see if I could actually 'receive' the embryo so to speak. It was a pretty quick exam, where they go through the cervix with tiny snippers and take a couple of pieces of the lining which then goes off to the lab for a few weeks. Well mine came back with everything a-ok! So we are thinking of doing another cycle, yippee!!

The other good news is that hubby's work for some reason switched insurance, so we have found out that we have two more IVF cycles covered. Whoa! I dont know if this is cooincidence, or if the Universe is trying to tell us something. We are like the little engine that could...keep on going.

So I need to get new testing done, such as the saline sono. Atleast it isnt the hystosalpingogram....which is AWFUL! Sorry, dont mean to scare anyone who hasnt had this test and needs to get it done. I think my situation might be slightly different. So when we were realizing that my periods hadnt really come back since ttc #2 for a couple of months off the pill (actually on the pill they were incredibly light and short too), I went to see a gyn who suggested this test to see if there was any scaring, possibly as a result of my d&c after I had ds two years prior.

I was nice and fuzzy from a valium, and had to lay on this metal table at the hospital. He put the speculum in which was fine, but then attached this thing called a tenaculum, holy hellfire that hurt! That is a little instrument that holds the cervix still (didnt know it moved around ha ha!). Then he tried to insert the catheter, but it wouldnt go in, so he gave me some medicine that made me dialiate. Whoa!! HELLO!  This didnt get us anywhere but led me to my first hysteroscopy which found scaring all over including on top of the cervix, hence not being able to get in....it was like Fort Knox!
a year later when I still wasnt preggers, we re-did the test. Not quite as dramatic getting in, but once in they blow up a baloon to hold the uterus open and then squirt a die into teh catheter. They watch on ultrasound and made me move side to side to get it to go through my tubes. Really not fun but I guess a good test for seeing whats going on in there, especially the tubes.
Luckily the saline sono is just water and definitely not as dramatic!

IN regards to insurance, we feel so unbelievably blessed to keep having these opportunities. Its not to say its free, I have spent hundreds and thousands in co-pays for surgeries, procedures and meds, but its nothing like what others are paying. Its nuts. We live in a state that mandates IF coverage be given is possible and proven necessary. Here is a really nice grid of state laws in regards to IF insurance....

http://www.ncsl.org/default.aspx?tabid=14391

I wish there was a way for others to get as much coverage. I know there are groups out there that have grants and scholarships for people wanting help to pay for such things.

There are some listed in this website:

http://www.whatcausesinfertility.com/steps-to-secure-grants-for-infertility-treatment

CD1...Aunty Flo came to visit today. Hate her!

No matter how many times I get my period....since TTC#2 that is about 72 times, each "day 1" or CD1 still comes and kicks you right between the eyes. I dont know why I still look at my undies in complete and utter disbelief that "SHE" is here...Aunt Flo. Biatch. Sick of her. She is that annoying family member that just shows up and stays when you dont want her to. I didnt even invite her, infact I sent her a note saying 'please for goodness sake DO NOT COME' but still she shows her ugly self.

How do I get her off the invite list? Uh, maybe my eggs could cooperate and help me out with this, please?



"Precisely what menstruation is, is not yet very well known." Granville Stanley Hall

 

thoughts and prayers

Ok, so the mental challenge of the weekend is to think I dont have a problem with my back and the pain should go away...well that is per Dr Whats-his-name who wrote the book I am reading. Maybe that will work for getting pregnant? I have literally tried everthing over the past 6 years to TTC#2, so positive thinking is my last ditch effort. I try to talk to the 'universe' atleast once a day, and do pray to God too...although I am so on and off with him, as I havent been to church in so long that I feel I dont have the right to ask him for favours. Well, we are going tomorrow, so maybe then I can. Yep I am always talking to 'someone' out there. I am the wacky lady in the car talking to herself at the light, although these days most people do that as they are 'hands free' on the phone. So I can blend my wackyness in nicely ;)

One day I was having one of my talks and DS said "Mum, you are doing it again"..."what I said" almost annoyed that I had been caught jabbering away infront of my elementary school-aged-child. "You are doing that 'please just this time could ya throw me a frickin bone' thing! Oh Crap...bad word,. ugh, double crap.

Positive thinking and knowing that the universe (and God) isnt against us is a hard lesson learned on this infertile road. I guess its hard on any road as we pass and fail the tests that are given to us. Joking aside I do take my thoughts and prayers seriously and know that God is listening. He might not be doing what I ask...but maybe what I think is best, is not what he thinks is best. But back to positive thinking. When you smile at someone they often smile back (probably more often than not). Try it sometime!
Off to garden, I need to be one with some dirt. Getting back to the earth is supposed to be good for fertility. Someone said that somewhere.

dont forget to breathe

I have had a bad back for as long as I can remember. I fractured my lower back in college (gymnastics as a young girl and then rowing freshman year in college...the two things together are the cause apparently), and now more recently two herneated disks in my neck (probably due to the little monkey that used to swing from my neck before he was too big for me to pick up). I was happy when a book I ordered "Healing Back Pain: The Mind-Body Connection" arrived in the mail yesterday. I was also happy to read this article about breathing....http://tinyurl.com/3xlva3q   Breathing to calm the nervous system, which is really the root of our insides. I need to remember to breathe. Well of course I do inhale and exhale every few seconds, but I need to be more aware of the each one. This is apparently a great determination of stress level....how we take in stress, how we deal with it, and how we spit it out, if at all. I love doing a deep yoga breath and feel present, but have to work on it and remind myself. I guess I should pat myself on the back for remembering now and then. I also wonder whether this has anything to do with my fertility challenges, and the other stuff (crappy linging and aging eggs) are just a product of that strees? Breathe. Relax. Ha ha, easier said than done. When you are gunning it to the finish line, and so are your ovaries, you dont really have time to stop and breath.  Read this article on stress and infertility: http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/features/infertility-stress.

To do for today - figure out how to live stress-free. Riiiight.



When the breath wanders the mind also is unsteady.  But when the breath is calmed the mind too will be still, and the yogi achieves long life.  Therefore, one should learn to control the breath.  ~Svatmarama, Hatha Yoga Pradipika

sex before the 2 ww

I have gone back to basics. yup, after about 72 2WWs (two week wait) of which 4 were from IUI and 4 were from IVF, I am just trying (again) to do this naturally. I didnt pee on a stick to make sure I had ovulated, I didnt check my temp, I am not taking some sort of medication (well yes, I guess you could say I am ...more on that later), but we are going back to the good old fashioned way that normal people do it - HAVING SEX!  So now here I am...after days of 'procreation sex' (yes there is a difference), its now the beginning of the two week wait. 14 days when you react to every twinge in your body, wonder if its possible, stress over why its not, and a million other stupid thoughts that we really have no control over.

The reason that I am feeling energized about this 2ww is that my last cycle was 30 days. So? you ask. Well, before I had my son (who is now 8) I had two 30 day cycles. Lets take a step back....I came off the pill to get pregnant in August 2001. Hubby and I had just been married and on a glorious 2 week (ha there it is again!) honeymoon to Italy. So we thought 'lets have a baby.'  I actually thought to myself that it wouldnt happen right away (not so naive i guess), as we had friends who had taken months to get pregnant. I was also taking medication for MS (I have multiple sclerosis) that was determind 'not good' to take while pregnant. So after coming off the pill I had a 30 day cycle. Then in the next cycle I came off my 'not good' meds and was tracking my temperature for basal body temp. Wow, that seems to so simple and pre-historic now!  Then sure enough...I ovulated on day 16 (which would have meant a 30 day cycle) and BAM...preggers. Holy cow, we couldnt believe our luck. I must be fertile mertile hahahah!

So after having our son in May 2002 we made a decision not to try (literally went back on birth control pills as i was back on my 'not good' meds). My hubby was in school and I was self employed with an infant. So we agreed that when he was finished and our child was 2 we would try again. So May 2004 came and I came off all meds. My cycles went from the 28 days the pills had determined down to 24. huh?

Over the past 6 years of trying, my cycle has extended from 24 to 25 days and maybe only once got to 26. So needless to say I was shocked when last month Aunt Flo waited 30 days before coming for another visit. Could it be that my body was readjusting after all this time? Although in all honesty I was more shocked that I wasnt pregnant. Not sure why?!

So here I am. Its hopefully my 2nd 30 day- and lucky cycle!

Back to sex. I think we can all agree that procreation sex is just not the same as regular sex. Of course if you want to have a family then, yes, you are having procreation sex...and I guess that could still be fun. I guess I should say Infertile Sex...that isnt fun. You almost put more into it, thinking that 'this will be the one' but knowing deep down that the time you have put in before, no matter how creative or how long you lay there with your hips up in the air...it just aint gonna happen.  Its sad, as a relationship that was full of passion and untimed sex, can become so monotonous when you know that both of you (well the woman atleast) is thinking about nothing other than how quickly those spermies can swim up, and is an egg already waiting. Will they like each other? Will the sperm know what to do? Will a stupid sperm get there before a smart handsome one?...oh sorry honey, but I am sure they are not all created equal. There are so many things to think about when you have this much time to do so. I dont even know if some IFs really care about sex after a while. We have tried the 'get drunk and do it' but that doesnt seem to work either. And, if I hear one more person say "well just get drunk, thats what we did and look at us" (with their bus load of kids), I am going to smack someone! There must be a way to go back to basics and not think about 'that' while you are doing 'it.'

saw this proverb and laughed...maybe we are going to bed too late!

"It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins."  ~Chinese Proverb

Hello blogosphere!

Wow, hello to the blogosphere! I am here, I have finally decided to join the blogging world to tell my story, and writing helps clear the mind, so sounded like a good idea.

I have had six years of ups and downs in the land of Fertility and none of it has made much sense. I have changed as a person both inside and out, and even though the day to day changes that I can see dont always seem to be for the better, I feel that overall my growth as a person throughout this process is unmatched to that of any other time in my life. I dont feel blessed to have walked this path in order to get to the end result, but I definitely feel blessed to have met the people I have met because of it and also to have learned values in life and to see how strong my inner core really is.  So I guess I should take that back, I do feel blessed!

I am not sure that most people ever have a chance to be tested quite this way, the way people are when  they desire something so much that isnt changed by attitude, effort or even money.

Last year I realized I had alot to share, alot of insight and alot of writing I had done along the way. In searching what to do with that writing, it was recently suggested that I write a blog. Me, have a blog? hmm...that would mean telling people about my thoughts and secrets, and also what on earth would make people interested in my overly played with uterus and not so great quality eggs. The answer to that question came from the same person who suggested the blog. "Well if you are so interested in what others have gone through, then they might be in you too." 

So, welcome to my journey; thanks for listening!

M.J.